Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Adam Wainwright
Played the “unwritten rules” right,
Grooved the Captain a pitch to hit,
Then found himself in a world of trouble.
Miguel Cabrera
The greatest hitter of our era.
Pitch the pill behind his back
And still he’ll give that ball a whack.
Mike Trout
Didn’t hit one out,
But a double and a triple
Ain’t kibble.
Troy Tulowitzki
Must be throwing fits. He’s
The top vote-getter among NL jocks,
Yet plays for a bottom-feeder like the Rox.
Andrew McCutcheon
Walks around touching
Each and every light switch
Cuz his OCD is just a bitch.
Anthony Rizzo,
That’s a big favor to owe.
You’ll have to deliver, by gawd,
Before they uncover Chicago’s election fraud.
Chase Utley
Needs a course in geography.
Instead of Minnesota,
He booked a flight to North Dakota.
Jose Altuve:
Smooth move, eh?
Spend the week away from Houston,
Maybe get some fishing done.
Author of my talents, only You have I praised,
To Thee only shall my hands be raised.
For when I’m burdened with the weight of my team,
To my rescue You come, it will always seem.
For outstanding is my play on any given day
When You intervene and help lead the way.
Grateful to You I’ll always be
For exploiting my talents for the world to see.
For out there on the diamond before thousands of fans,
We players perform the best we can.
Perform we must both day and night,
Seeking victory with all our might.
Seeking a place with other sports greats
In the Hall of Fame where ability rates.
Where Ruth, Cobb, Robinson and the rest
Stand proudly enshrined as baseball’s best.
Excerpted from ‘An Athlete’s Prayer,’ c. 1966, by Ed Charles, major league third baseman (Kansas City Athletics, New York Mets) from 1961-69
Morrison was very displeased
Felt his bat’s wood must be diseased.
Gave the dugout a whack!
But the bat, it struck back
Now LoMo’s red face has been tweezed.
For more on the “breaking” story, click here.
Michael X. Ferraro is the author of Numbelievable and Tazed and Confused: The Shocking Poetic Recap of the 2010 Baseball Season
A rookie stepped up to Seattle’s home plate
And recorded his first major-league hit.
That was in 1995.
It’s full circle time, and last night
Derek Jeter did the same: In the 1st
He got a one-out single to right.
“I’ll always have fond memories of Seattle
Because this is where it began.” He smiled.
This is now 2014.
In the 9th he got 40 seconds of grateful applause –
And while some are tired of this season’s homage,
Few will argue
That he has been the “Face of Baseball.”
No matter the stats, it is the intangible
Which makes a star.
Last night the Yankees won, 6-3, and the season
Is up for grabs. But last night Seattle remembered
It started here in 1995.