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AL West 2023 Spring Training Forecast Haiku

by Stuart Shea

Houston Astros
Crass-tros, Disas-stros,
Even Garbage-can-smash-stros—
They’re still really good.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Orange County, California
It’s always Disney,
To us, anyway…but now,
No longer Showtime.

Oakland Athletics
Neither here nor there—
Big change only bothers those
Who are not in charge.

Seattle Mariners
Young, strong arms, spring’s joy.
Will Gilbert, Kirby, Miller
Get a “Woo Woo Woo”?

Texas Rangers
Now that we all know
About your autumn harvest,
You’d better watch yourself!

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End of Season at the MLB Tavern

by Stephen Jones

I was waiting at the bar for a playoff date
And looked at my watch. It’s getting late.
Then I heard the emphatic bartender,
With his fist pump, mask, and chest protector,
Announce to the lingering, glassy patrons:
“It’s last call. Closing time,” he intones
As he wipes the bar, satisfied with himself,
And begins putting teams on the postseason shelf —
Brands like Atlanta, Los Angeles, Baltimore, Tampa
(and just maybe Seattle, Chicago, or Philadelphia) —
And as he does, he continues to drone:
“It’s hotel-motel time if you can’t go home,
But right now, you can’t stay here —
And hey, better luck when we open next year.”

Pictured is Baseball Bill Holdforth, bartender and rabid DC baseball fan. For the story of how he worked to keep owner Bob Short out of the US Senate, check out this story from washingtonbaseballhistory.com.

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Team Traditions in Seattle

by James Finn Garner

T’other night, the M’s honored King Felix
And proceeded (coded in their double helix?)
To spot Kirby no runs.
Seattle’s daughters and sons
Still enjoy their salmon, coffee and analgesics.

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Property Protection

by Randy Johnson

I don’t own a gun
but I keep a bag of baseballs
near our bed.
If someone breaks in
they better be wearing a
batting helmet
because
I’m going to be throwing
at their head.

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Old-School Reps

by James Finn Garner

I don’t think the new analytics
Would’ve helped Norm Cash worth a lick
For Killebrew, Mantle,
F. Robby and Randle,
A beer and a cig did the trick.