Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
ASTROS
An Appel a day
Would keep the losses away
But he’s not yet ripe.
ANGELS
Ask A. Moreno–
Trout fishing in Cali
Can be expensive.
ATHLETICS
Free and well-favored,
No-names and others’ castoffs
Find their own success.
MARINERS
East coast import
Finds rain not to his liking
Even under roof.
RANGERS
Wash likes sac bunting.
His fellow skippers are glad
To accept the out.
Stealing a base involves taking a chance.
Even more so when you’re not wearing pants.
Tampa’s half-streaker probably reckoned,
“Low wind resistance’ll help me nab second.”
But security met him at the bag,
throwing him out with an intimate tag.
Michael X. Ferraro is the author of Tased & Amused: A Poetic Recap of the 2010 MLB Season, which recounts such harrowing fan tales as an on-field tasering and a case of intentional regurgitation.
For more coverage of the story, click here.
Baseball in August creates many jobs
for travel agents and typesetting slobs.
Rehab assignments, Triple A spot starts,
Pennant aspirants shopping for spare parts.
Roster gods move in mysterious ways–
David DeJesus, three teams in five days?
Colin Cowgill’s grin, Billy Buckner’s frown.
Holy Toledo, Phil Coke’s been sent down!
Some guys can’t clear waivers; others released,
Plus one salary dump in the NL East.
(The Mets helped Pittsburgh in a deal most absurd—
Just tossed them a Buck and flipped them a Byrd.)
Eduardo Sanchez, gone from the big club.
But Ma Arrieta, Jake’s now a Cub!
Brad Boxberger sighs, packs for the bushes.
John Axford heads where the playoff push is.
Contenders reload, pretenders cut bait.
Hey Tuffy Goseswisch, Reno’s your fate.
Jose Constanza the Braves did recall,
with hopes that he’ll help them deep into Fall.
Philly’s less Savery—no Joe in the bigs;
Report sir, at once, to the Iron Pigs.
Ross Wolf’s been optioned to Round Rock Express,
while the Dodgers scooped up Edinson Volquez.
One-line transactions, a queer kind of fame.
Vic Black, you’ve become “Player To Be Named.”
Xavier Avery’s now a Rainier,
maybe Seattle, he’ll see you next year?
Michael X. Ferraro is a writer/producer/lyricist who scans the fine print daily to make sure he hasn’t been outrighted to Lehigh Valley.
When Yu’re slinging goose eggs on the board
With yur slider zipping like Zorro’s sword
.     The last thing Yu need
.     Is for Pierzynski to plead
In a way that the ump deems untoward.
Alex Rodriguez,
A swing and a mezz.
To avoid having his paycheck shorn
Will take more than a magical unicorn.
Bud Selig
Don’t much dig
Guys who drug up to keep their bodies from wearin’
Unless, of course, they’re Henry Aaron.
Nelson Cruz
Is going to lose
If he appeals his case
And people throw his minor league records in his face.
Bud Selig
If he were like “Zelig”
Would appear at different points in time
And let others be punished for his crimes.
Jhonny Peralta
Didn’t say it wasn’t his fault-a.
He’ll take his suspension
To not jeopardize his pension.
Bud Selig
Is a useless relic
From when players did what they were told
And owners hoarded all the gold.