How Many Hats

By Todd Herges

Each year around this time,
when the “0-for-August” jokes return
and the Cubbies’ fade begins,
thoughts of a famous postman
rise up to haunt and amuse me.

Joe Doyle was a man who delivered the mail
in rain and sleet and snow,
and on his route was the Tumble Inn  –
a downstate Illinois tavern –
home to all fans of both Northside Nine
and their great crimson rival.

The year ‘69 held a season of fun that
was special and fine for Joe:  his team
seemed a lock for the pennant …
until that Miraculous cloud,
like the rainstorms at Woodstock,
rolled darkly across his landscape.

On one infamous day that September –
as I sat in my Kindergarten class
learning of Apollo astronauts, the Aquarian age,
and letters and numbers and shapes –
Joe with his mailbag walked somberly,
I suspect, down Hickory Street toward the bar.

I’ve often wondered what went through
his mind on that hot Indian Summer morn
as he noticed the strangely full parking lot,
the parking meters on the street out front
all paid, the pregnant surprise party silence
lurking behind neon beer signs in the windows.

There’s not much doubt
what came out of his mouth
as he walked in a huff through the door
and into a smiling wall of Cardinal fan faces,
each one full of good jeer.

I’ve been told it sounded something like
“To Hell with ALL of ya!”
as the flung mail fluttered through the air
and fell like scattered bitter tears to the barroom floor –
as he turned his back on fellow fans of the pastime
and walked out the darkling still-open door
before it had yet banged shut.

Twenty-some years later Joe died.

He was honored by Cub fans and Card friends
alike – the Diehard fans more somber, I suspect,
with inklings of dread at sharing his fate:
he’d lived his long life whole and true,
full of joys and sorrows, pleasure and pain,
children and grandchildren, fortune and fame,
without once enjoying a single, solitary, goddamn title.

Yet still, before the casket lid shut,
a familiar blue cap was laid on his chest
and then moved to the top of his head.

Each year around this time
when the “0-for-August” jokes return
and the drive for the pennant kicks up
dust for the Cubs to chew on,
I’m often led to wonder
how many other hats,
with that same old circular C,
rest quietly underground, waiting.

Published 8/28/09

Ode to an Oriole’s Lament

Copyright by Mike Nortrup

.
I journeyed out to Camden Yards
To watch the Birds prevail,
Hoping against fervent hope
I would not see them fail

Even though so many times
The O’s would break my heart,
Getting hopes up for awhile
And then they’d fall apart.

Our starter lasted till the fourth
But rarely found the plate,
And when he got one in the zone
It came in flat or straight.

Predictably they crushed the ball.
Jones bid three shots adieu.
Markakis watched one sail untouched
Into Boog’s Barbecue.

But no way did they toss the towel–
They clawed and made it back.
That sent their grey-clad visitors
Into panic attack.

Then Huff got nailed at second base.
Oh, tell me why he tried!
And Mora rounded third too far.
He stumbled and got fried.

Those forays cost the Birds two runs,
And when those plays were done,
I sat there mired in prescient rage,
Just knew they’d lose by one.

Then for awhile they pulled ahead
And had advantage late.
Their faithful went delirious.
It seemed they’d changed their fate

And then the bullpen came to save
With warm-up pitches thrown,
But all who sat there now lament
Because the lead was blown.

But hey! The Birds weren’t through quite yet.
The ninth was still to play.
They still had one more chance to show
They would not go away.

They got ’em loaded with none out–
It wouldn’t have taken much–
But then three guys each went to bat
And faded in the clutch.

I rode on the Hunt Valley train
And pondered why I came.
I cursed the naive childlike zeal
That brought me to that game.

And then I swore that this was it.
That game had been my last!
Of course I’d said that many times,
In decades now long past.

But later on, it came to me:
The Orioles are my curse.
Hooked on my beloved Birds,
For better or for worse.

Published 8/25/09

Rivalry

by January O’Neil

.

I came to the party late,
long after Babe was sold to the Yanks
past the magic of Ted Williams and Yaz
and Buckner’s ball through the legs.
Didn’t understand The Curse
but the years without a championship
added up like runners on base
and no one to bring them home.
Generations of Red Sox fans
passed away without a World Series win.
The velocity of our hatred
was unmatched, and we liked it that way.
In 2003, we were Dirt Dogs.
A tribe. A nation. Even the anticipation
of spring training became a torture so real
it bordered on beautiful,
how beauty is supposed to reach us,
with a temporary luster,
with nothing to show for it
but our longing.
If you’re a member of this Nation
you’re full of hunger and angst,
there’s nothing you can do
to ease the silence. Win
or go home is the only option.
We watch no matter what,
learning to live with loss,
that soft hurt that never goes away.

.

Posted 8/19/2009

Pirate S#&@

by Stu Shea

.

Freddie and Jack play for Pittsburgh,
Losers for many a year,
It’s not hard to see
That this century
Local fans want a winner to cheer.

The Pirate ship’s listing and lurching,
Taking on water and flies.
Nobody’s good
And it’s understood
That “untouchable” doesn’t apply.

Freddie and Jack want new contracts.
Fred can’t play second at all.
Jack cannot hit,
And the team’s for s#&@,
These guys ain’t en route to The Hall.

.

Posted 8/18/2009

No Matter How Good

by Stu Shea

.

No matter how good
Or no matter how much,
We all know that know A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch.

Ignore how he’s gotten
The Yanks out of dutch.
The guys say that A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch.

They’ll wave their statistics
And say such and such,
But we know that A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch.

The radio told us,
And they’ve got the touch.
That’s how we know he can’t hit in the clutch.

All those smart guys can go back
And hide in their hutch.
‘Cause I say that A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch.

Obama is Kenyan!
Health care’s a crutch!
And I know that A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch!

.

Stu’s new book, Pink Floyd FAQ, containing everything you’ve ever wanted to know about Pink Floyd, is out now.  Buy it in bookstores or on the web.  Do it.  Now.

Posted 8/10/2009