Holo Cow!

By James Finn Garner

Sung to the tune of “Centerfold” by the J. Geils Band

Stumblin’ down on Rush Street, walkin’ pub to pub
Harry Caray was the idol of every Bleacher Bum
Started in St. Louis, but seduced the owner’s wife
Then Chisox, then the Cubbies — a checkered, blesséd life

Then MLB tries some tricks
During the “Field of Dreams”
And ghostly Harry resurrects
To gasps and chokes and screams….

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

He’s leading the seventh inning stretch, the weak of heart begin to retch
Beer gut missing around his middle, where’s the liver spots, sweat and spittle?
There’s no way to digitize a glorious mess like Harry
Please find some breathing pitchman and let the dead stay buried.

He’s been dead since ’98,
But you could never tell
Thanks, computer science,
But he never looked THIS well…

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

Na na na-na-na-na
Na-na-na nanna na na-na
Na na na-na-na-na
Na-na-na nanna na na-na…

 

MLB ALL-Candy Store Team

1B   George Twizzler
2B   Sandy Malomar
SS   Starburst Castro
3B   Pee Wee Reese’s Pieces

LF   Hank Sauer Patch Kids
CF   Coco Crisp
RF   Oh Henry Aaron

C     Thurman Musketeers
PH  Melky Way Cabrera

LHP   Baby Ruth, Jim Kiit Kaat, Haribo Belinsky
RHP   Orel Hershibar, Bob Lemonhead, Heathbar Slocumb, Dave Gummipert, Rolo Butterfingers

MGR   Jolly Rancher Grimm

 

All-Star Clerihews #4: The Proud and Profane

Corbin Burnes
Knows his gulls from his terns
In the role of a birder
He’s absolute murder.

Sterling Marté
Sure loves to par-tay.
Whiskey, tequila, rum–
Whatever you got, he’ll have some.

Alek Manoah
Has never been to Samoa
But he knows the nightlife is da bomb
In Guam.

Pete Alonso
Has tattoos of Gonzo,
Miss Piggy, Scooter, Fozzie and where space permits,
Kermit.

All-Star Clerihews #3: The Bad and the Beautiful

Byron Buxton
Through his awesome powers of deduction
Has determined the murderer of Lord McBroom
Is someone in this room!

Luis Arraez
Is not one to compromise.
If it’s not Johnnie Walker Black,
He sends it back.

Joe Musgrove
Is an ace with the cookstove.
He takes sausage and flapjacks
To the max.

Miguel Cabrera
Is the finest hitter of his era
And a real joy to watch play —
I have nothing snarky to say.