Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
White Sox
Eaton, a Danish,
And fans hungry for more than
Just a few churros
Indians
Can we just bury
That nickname somewhere out by
Bad Knee ligament?
Tigers
‘15 may see a
Tyger! Tyger! Burning bright—
If Verlander’s back
Royals
Sudden royalty
Must beware of slipping back
Toward the commoners
Twins
Hometown hero Paul
Will learn that spring is full of hope
And buds that don’t bloom
Orioles
Hitless in 20…
Not a great way to come back
Is it, Matt Wieters?
Red Sox
New acquisition
For Boston’s Zoo—a panda.
He won’t go hungry.
Yankees
First spring in many
With a wide-open spot where
A legend once trod.
Rays
All the big names gone
And one eye is looking north
Thinking of Quebec.
Blue Jays
It’s hard to know, man…
Can they win without Stroman?
Does Haiku need rhyme?
“Take me out to the ball game”
Please stand for the National Anthem.
The Home Team takes the field: PLAY BALL!
Bottom of third, man on base,
pitch low and inside, count 3 & 2.
Fastball, strike 3, Batter out.
Man left on base.
The Mick, Duke, Willie, Jackie, Pee Wee,
The Scooter, Yogi, Joe D., Dizzy and Daffy,
Charlie Hustle.
Who’s on first. Abbott & Costello.
Red Sox and White Sox.
“take me out with the crowd”
Twi-light double header:
Cardinals and Orioles.
Da’ Reds/Dem Bums/ The Gas House Gang
Murderers Row/ The Bronx Bombers.
Reliever: South Paw ,Knuckleballer, 2.52 ERA.
The Sultan of Swat/The Splendid Splinter.
The Iron Man.
Lou Gehrig’s disease.
“buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack”
Bottom of 7th, nothing-nothing.
Seventh inning stretch.
Padres and Angels.
A No-Hitter/A Perfect Game.
Holy Cow!
The Bleachers.
Ebbets/Wrigley/Fenway.
“I don’t care if I never get back”
Designated Hitter/Pinch Hitter.
Foul ball/Double play.
Catcher gives the sign.
Tying run at the Plate.
The Yankees win the World Series!
Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants:
NOT.
The Metropolitans.
The Nationals.
Topps Baseball cards.
Indians and Braves.
Can’t anyone here play this game?
Casey Stengel.
“let me root, root, root for the home team”
Rain delay/Box scores/Extra innings/K’s/RBI’s.
Negro League:
Only the ball was white.
Where have you gone Joe Dimaggio . . .
Paul Simon.
Devil Rays and Marlins.
Frozen Rope/Texas Leaguer.
Bull Pen/Home Plate/Batter’s Box.
Cooperstown.
Old-Timers Day/All Star Game.
I GOT IT!
“if they don’t win, it’s a shame”
Tagged out/Stolen base.
A swing and a miss.
Pitcher’s mound/Rosin bag/The Rubber.
Red Bird/Phillie Phanatic.
Cubs and Tigers.
A Sinker, down-and-out.
Bunt/Sacrifice/Pitch-out
Popped-up/Loaded bases.
“for it’s one, two , three strikes you’re out
I watch a group of kids playing
baseball in a cow pasture.
“at the old Ball Game.”
A dining set of broken bats
A navy pinstripe yoga mat
A year’s supply of Genny Cream
A keg signed by the vending team
A “2” carved out of northern granite
A solar-cell vibrating hammock
A zircon-slathered Yankee topper
A 2,000-gallon popcorn popper
Another ugly pair of boots
A vid lip-synching with the Roots
“2s” in crystal, onyx, steel,
Beer cans, tree trunks and fresh veal
A wondrous Joe-Girardi-shaped ‘tater
A Japanese robot fellater
It’s not a hoarder’s dream or last mirage —
Just what’s stuffed in Jeet’s garage.
In honor of Wrigley Field’s 100th anniversary today, we reprint a poem from the founder of the Poetry Slam, possibly the most accurate description of what it’s like at the corner of Clark and Addison on game day.
I’m sitting on a fire hydrant half way between my forty-fifth and forty-sixth season
enhancing my tan while I wait for my pals to arrive with the tickets.
Peanuts!
And a street vendor, leaning against a blond brick wall fifty feet beyond the centerfield
fence, cries
Peanuts!
Sounding somewhat like a cricket because the squall he makes is louder than his body
should allow.
Peanuts!
Three cops sitting sidesaddle on a blue horse, side arms bulging out conspicuously,
adjust their doughnut bellies as they chit chat takin’ it easy on their fair weather
patrol.
Peanuts!
Ten Wichita Kansas corn fed bullheads plug up the intersection hunting for Gate F.
The cop nearest the traffic jam reluctantly does his duty with a groaning eyeball
roll.
“Down there, sir. Gate F is down there
Where the big F is.”
Peanuts!
People plash by in streams of placid pastels. Pops and his buzz head kids.
Wendy and hers. Bertha and what could be children, but what may be baby
hippopotami tuggin’ at their mama as they lumber across the street
linked together hand to hand — the last one dragging an antique catcher’s mitt.
Peanuts!
From the top of the plug I shoot my scanner out into the loveliness of lots and lots of ladies, dolls, dames. Over forty me can’t help being a pig sometimes, especially at the ballpark. Hell, when I’m out here I’m like a WGN cameramen zoomin’ in on
Peanuts!
Some bad habits are hard to kick.
Anyway, I spot peroxide blond wearing a pink halter-top, eating a Polish sausage at the beer stand across the street, making lipstick autographs on the bun. Peanuts! I fantasize that she’s signing it for me.
Peanuts!
“Got tickets?”
Something tries to invade my daydream.
Peanuts!
“Got tickets?”
It starts to dissolve.
Peanuts!
“I said, d’ya got tickets?”
Is this my friend?
Peanuts!
“Hey! I’m talkin’ to you!”
Not my friend.
“All you got to say is yes or no.
You people.
You people and your looks.”
It’s a hawk, a hustler, a young man scalping a fist of fake tickets. He’s tough, muscular, feral.
Red Dog dago-tee. His eyes peg me reactively. I feel my own opaque glare matching up to his. For a second we stare coldly into each other’s eyes.
“All I asked you was if you had tickets.
And if you do, just say no thank you.
Save me the hard guy look.”
Peanuts!
“You people.
When are you people
Ever gonna stop
Lookin’ down at us?”
Peanuts!
“You don’t own this street.”
Peanuts!
“And you don’t own me.”
Peanuts!
“And if you don’t have the guts
To say what you’re thinkin’,
Then don’t parade around
As if you got the guts to do anything else.”
Peanuts!
“You people.”
Down the block and across the street Big Mama leans over the porch rail and hollers “Ramon!” “Ramon!” who runs up to the cricket on the corner holdin’ out a handful of money cryin’:
“Peanuts! Peanuts!
I want some peanuts!”
You got ‘em little buddy. They’re all yours. Take ‘em home.
Take ‘em home and enjoy yourself. Enjoy eating your
PEANUTS!