Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
In honor of Emily Dickinson, 1830-1886. In 1887, the first Negro League was formed.
Tell all the stats but tell them slant —
Success in the baseball Circuit lies
Too bright for our unconscious bias
The Truth’s superb surprise is
Like a ball hit lightening quick
With Josh Gibson atop
Ty Cobb’s dazzling batting record
Or every fan be blind —
Let’s get this out of the way first:
I didn’t die of a broken heart
at disappointment over not being first
instead of Jackie;
I had other health issues
that killed me at thirty-five
I’m glad our leagues have now
been recognized as ‘major’,
and I’m happy statistics have been compiled:
those who won’t believe without numbers
now have the documentation they need
And I like that the numbers have confirmed
some of the legends about me
I take pride in being the best RBI man
in history on a per-game basis.
A repost from August 8, 2023
The Hall of Fame’s had guys
Named Mordecai,
Rabbit, Gabby, Ducky,
Old Hoss
and Kiki,
Lefty, Frankie, Connie,
and Pie,
Grover, Honus, Napoleon,
Dizzy, Dazzy
and Cy.
Now there’ll be a Todd?
Feels odd.
Difference between
the old ballplayer
and
the new ballplayer
is
the jersey.
The old ballplayer
cared about
the name on the front.
The new ballplayer
cares about
the name on the back.
Someday, years from now, I’ll be sitting
at the Brooklyn Center for Fiction,
working on some story or other,
and a sound will grow in the background—
soft at first, then it will rise and rise
until it will hit just the right frequency
as the fillings in my teeth. The fillings will buzz
into my mind, creating a whole new kind
of sound that will nearly drown the screams,
screams that will draw everyone outside.
Screams that will draw everyone down
to the East River. Dread Cthulhu himself
will rise from the waters intent
on destroying New York City as his conquest.
His first target will be Lady Liberty.
He’ll break our spirits by breaking that monument.
A bright flash will appear in the sky,
only, it won’t go away, that flash, bright
as the sun, and Gregorian, rag-time hymns
will drown the alien frequency buzzing
through our fillings and into our minds.
A spiritual subway car will fly out
of that perpetual flash, carrying
Jackie Robinson and Babe Ruth from Heaven.
Those two legendary swingers will leap
out of that spiritual subway car and swing away
with their holy baseball bats of righteousness.
Cthulhu won’t stand a chance. Those sluggers
will slug dread Cthulhu back to the depths
chunk by battered chunk, and I’ll head back
to the Brooklyn Center for Fiction
and finish working on some story or other.
From his collection Cameos, which will be released May 28.