by The Baseball Project
Shunya to Zero
by Rajesh Oza
They all wear Zero
On the back of their uniforms.
Mathematics’ invention of nothingness
Was a team effort!
Mesopotamians around 3 B.C.
Mayans circa 4 A.D.
Indians named it “shunya” in the mid-fifth century.
Onward to Cambodia,
China, and Islamic countries,
Before 0 joined 1 in the West.
Baseball’s exclamation of a perfect game
Is a team effort!
A catcher calls the first pitch;
A pitcher throws the last one.
In between, fielders play flawlessly.
For sharply hit balls, groundskeepers must keep the field free of bad hops;
On a 3-2 count, umpires shall not erringly call a strike a ball.
And the weather gods will contain the rain in pregnant clouds.
The scoreboard wears Zeros
Across nine innings of perfection.
Dr. Oza is a management consultant and facilitates the interpersonal dynamics of MBAs at Stanford University. His recently completed Double Play, written in Stanford’s novel-writing program, will be published in 2024 by Chicago’s Third World Press.
A Ballad of Baseball Burdens
by Franklin Pierce Adams
The burden of hard hitting. Slug away
. Like Honus Wagner or like Tyrus Cobb.
Else fandom shouteth: “Who said you could play?
. Back to the jasper league, you minor slob!”
. Swat, hit, connect, line out, get on the job.
Else you shall feel the brunt of fandom’s ire
. Biff, bang it, clout it, hit it on the knob –
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of good pitching. Curved or straight.
. Or in or out, or haply up or down,
To puzzle him that standeth by the plate,
. To lessen, so to speak, his bat-renown:
. Like Christy Mathewson or Miner Brown,
So pitch that every man can but admire
. And offer you the freedom of the town –
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of loud cheering. O the sounds!
. The tumult and the shouting from the throats
Of forty thousand at the Polo Grounds
. Sitting, ay, standing sans their hats and coats.
. A mighty cheer that possibly denotes
That Cub or Pirate fat is in the fire;
. Or, as H. James would say, We’ve got their goats –
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of a pennant. O the hope,
. The tenuous hope, the hope that’s half a fear,
The lengthy season and the boundless dope,
. And the bromidic, “Wait until next year.”
. O dread disgrace of trailing in the rear,
O Piece of Bunting, flying high and higher
. That next October it shall flutter here:
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
ENVOY
Ah, Fans, let not the Quarry but the Chase
. Be that to which most fondly we aspire!
For us not Stake, but Game; not Goal, but Race –
. THIS is the end of every fan’s desire.
More Unwritten Rules of Baseball
By James Finn Garner and Jim Siergey
• Don’t talk to a pitcher who’s throwing a no-hitter or perfect game.
• Never slap the ball out of a fielder’s glove or distract him from catching a pop-up.
• Don’t swing at the first pitch if the last two hitters hit home runs.
• Never try to break up a no-hitter by releasing feral pigs onto the field.
• After a home run, a batter should not flip, burn, bury, lick or sing a love song to his bat.
• After making an out to end an inning, the batter should not run over the pitcher’s Mounds bar.
• After hitting a home run, a batter should not drop trou and shit on the pitcher’s mound. The mound is considered the pitcher’s exclusive “territory,” and only he is allowed to shit there.
• A pitcher should not throw at a batter’s children.
• On a 3-0 pitch, a batter should not break out his iPhone to check texts or post on Instagram.
• Infielders should not write love letters in the dirt.
• A catcher should not rip a piece of fabric when a batter swings to make him think he has split his pants.
• When a pitcher has a no-hitter going, everyone in the dugout should use exaggerated mime actions (e.g., pulling an invisible rope) to communicate.
• Whether pets or no, hybrid wolves are not allowed in the bullpen.
• Outfielders are not allowed to use dune buggies to field their positions.
• Batters are not allowed to bunt if they make more than $13 million that season.
• Extension grabbers hidden in outfielders’ gloves are strictly taboo.
• “Cumbly mumbly jumbly fumbly / Gimby gumby foo foo!” (sic)
• First basemen should not discuss existentialism with baserunners.
• Catchers are not allowed to give fake haircuts to batters.
• If a rhinoceros enters the field, play is suspended until the head umpire finishes reading aloud from Ionesco.
Reprinted from the nation’s best humor magazine, The American Bystander, issue #25.
Yankees 11, Athletics 0
by Stephen Jones
Domingo Germán was in trouble,
His baseball life on the bubble.
His last two outings had been
ERs of 8 and 10,
The tabloids were blaring in his ears
“Off with his head!” and other smears,
And frankly, he didn’t know if and when
He’d be on the mound again.
But this all changed on a Wednesday night
When, in Oakland, he got it right
With a curveball that was unhittable
And a demeanor that was unflappable.
The result: a perfect game, number
Twenty-four in baseball’s history-ledger.