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A Pressing Issue

by James Finn Garner

Mets Can’t Wear Alternative Jerseys Because the Pants Haven’t Arrived

As the nation’l pastime seeks expanse
To pull in those who might just glance
And, intrigued, give the game a chance,
Manfred should provide some pants.

Fans in Britain, Spain and France,
With soccer frustrated perchance,
Might get all “Tinker! Evers! Chance!”
But won’t if players have no pants.

College hoops? Yeah, “The Big Dance!”
Skaters ’round Stanley’s cup prance.
Football thrills all uncles and aunts.
Baseball? They ain’t got no pants.

On-field play can be enhanced
And fortunes made through slick finance
But we might have a free “snake dance”
Unless MLB invests in pants.

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Whitey Herzog

by James Finn Garner

We salute a skipper named Whitey
Who plugged in Vince and Willie and Ozzie
He saw defense and speed
Were St. Louis’ need
‘Twas Whiteyball made Whitey quite mighty.

“I came here in last place and I leave here in last place. I left them right where I started.” RIP to the White Rat.

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Taxing Our Patience

by James Finn Garner

As all us plebs pay the tax man,
You owners need to face some facts, man.

In suites with well-heeled sponsors and friends,
You claim your team pays civic dividends

Then you say you need new parks resplendent?
We fans should claim you as a dependent.

Taxes and slush are your basic income,
We ask for returns and you play dumb.

When voters at last come to their senses,
You scream and whine and talk moving expenses.

Pigs at the trough, courting our elected hoes —
Whatever way it’s adjusted is gross.

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I See You Guys

by Dusty Baker

I see you guys in the video room,
just looking at your swings,
reading all these stats.

At some point, you have to just say,
“F— all that s—”
and just go out there and hit.

All I hear is y’all talking about
launch angle
and tendences
and exit velocity.

F—ing exit velocity!?
Motherf—ing exit velocity?!
How about motherf—ing exit hits?!