NL Central 2011 Haiku Predictions

By Stuart Shea

CHICAGO CUBS
Oh, Michael Quade—
Lead us up Mt. Zambrano
But slowly, slowly.

CINCINNATI REDS
Aroldis Chapman
Fast as a spring tornado
Wilder than berries.

HOUSTON ASTROS
Blooms on orange tree:
Figueroa? Barmes? Hall?
’nother sour batch.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS
Are you ribbing me?
Zack out for all of April?
I hate basketball.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Youth must have its day.
Better that green kids err than
Jeromy Burnitz.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
Albert? No Albert?
Rumors expand and contract
About new contracts.

 

Bye, Bye, Berkman

By Stuart Shea (apologies to Dixon-Henderson)

Been an Astro for so long,
Got the gong,
Here’s your song:

Bye, bye, Berkman.

Master of the hard line drive,
You’re 35?
What’s that jive?

Bye, bye, Berkman.

When Ed Wade shipped your contract to the Yankees last July,
You didn’t know it wasn’t “come on back,” but just “goodbye.”

The hourglass is losing sand.
Will you land
In Japan?

Bye, bye, Berkman.

Sparky Anderson

by James Finn Garner

The snowy hair
The doleful stare
The mangled speech
The subtle preach
The dubious start
The gentle heart
The hook that stings
Three Series rings
The postgame pipe
The misplaced hype
Shaggy dog stories
Humble glories
A light gone dark
We’ll miss you, Spark

The Skeleton Rattles; The Muscles Hum

by Todd Herges

The approaches vary
and depend upon the man.

As each one rises
from the subterranean dugout lair
.     onto the field and
.     into the light
you feel his aging body ambulate;
sense his agile mind run through options.

The long walk to the mound a torture.

How many millions –
susceptible to the power of suggestion –
crack open a bottle of ibuprofen
every time Charlie saunters past the ump
and up onto that steep hill:
oh the tired sore legs; oh the aching back.
Slow and ponderous the stride, with smoothness
borne of painful experience.

How many millions reach for chondroitin
whenever Bruce toddles to home
for his double-switch notification,
touching his arm before he’s taken two steps
with subconscious hope that the reliever
will beat him to the mound and take the ball
directly from the predecessor.
Slow and rickety-stiff, with youthfulness
bound in his body like a Gulliver.

Yes Bochy’s bones and Manuel’s muscles
are there for all to see
on the great pennant stage Twenty Ten:
Bruce wants bad to keep walking;
Charlie to do it again.

In Which I Try to Compensate for the Lack of Rhymes for “Conrad”

by Ember Nickel

Oh, what is to be done with Brooks
If you can’t blame umpiring crooks,
Nor looming Giants, hated mooks,
Nor your peers, inadvertent schmucks?
Pilfer question marks from scorebooks
Recording dodgy moves by rooks?
Pelt him with food from angry cooks?
Hope he retreats to distant nooks?
Or just give him frustrated looks
And celebrate Cox’ final hooks?

The peerless Ember Nickel blogs at Lipogram! Scorecard!