Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
Winter 2007-08
Contention required,
A pennant desired.
Santana, admired,
For a fortune is hired.
Spring 2007-08
The team, uninspired,
At .500 is mired.
Carlos Beltran is tired,
But the sports talk hosts wired.
June 17
Willie Randolph is fired.
Posted 6/17/08
Below is the winning entry in the Chicago Sun-Times video contest about fans’ reactions to the possible renaming of Wrigley Field. Stoking the newspaper rivalry in town is that this video was done secretly by Chicago Tribune staffers. For more on the punking, go here.
The latest news is that Tribune Co. owner Sam Zell has rejected a bid for Wrigley Field from the Illinois Sports Facilities Authority and will seek to sell the Cubs and their stadium together to private investors. For more, see this article in the Chicago Sun-Times.
Posted 5/13/08.
By Gary Gillette
Winter Meetings blues.
Gray twi-nighter — Disney sucks.
Pestilential swamp.
By James Finn Garner
What to name dear Wrigley Field
As history to commerce yields?
Should it be named for Ken-L Ration
To halt “dog days” for Cubbie Nation?
As ticket prices cull the rank
And file, maybe Citibank?
As young draft picks all go bust,
“Mr. Clean” might lift the dust.
Pepsi Cola? Dell Computers?
Honda Motors? Air-Wick? Hooters?
The problem’s not to name the place—
It’s how to win a pennant race.
We’ll know the team’s completely dotty
If Sweet Lou’s christened “Lou Malnati.”
Posted 4/14/08
By Stuart Shea
ATLANTA
Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)
ARIZONA
Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.
CHICAGO
Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).
CINCINNATI
Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.
COLORADO
While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.
FLORIDA
A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.
HOUSTON
They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!
LOS ANGELES
Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.
MILWAUKEE
Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.
NEW YORK
Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.
PHILADELPHIA
Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?
PITTSBURGH
Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.
ST. LOUIS
Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.
SAN DIEGO
An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.
SAN FRANCISCO
So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.
A WASHINGTON HAIKU
Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.
Posted 4/2/08