Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Unlike Yogi later, I did say everything I said
And while a couple of the details related
might not have been entirely accurate, the substance was
I don’t mind being remembered as a storyteller,
but I sometimes wonder if that was why
the writers never elected me to the Hall of Fame:
because I was more entertaining than they were,
they dismissed how great a pitcher I was
Originally appeared in The Chicago Baseball Magazine.
“Two hands!” cried my dad,
A dude who grew up
When mitts were as flat as Biblical Earth.
Even a pitcher named Mordecai Brown
Used two hands, and his nickname
Was Three Fingers.
Pop ups, grounders, line drives, Baltimore
. Chops—
Did not matter—two hands
Was my old man’s mantra.
I had a spanking new Rawlings,
Had a pocket you could pull out
A rabbit but not one over
My old man. The mitt
Was stiff as a wedding
Invitation. Beat it and beat it
I did and steeped that stubborn hide
With saddle soap, butter, Mazola,
Vicks Vapo Rub, 30 weight,
Anything lubey. Over and over
I pounded it with a rubber mallet,
Ran it over and over with my bike
Until that leather went limp
As overcooked spaghetti,
So soft you could use it for a pillow,
Which I did,
Firm enough to snag a rope,
Which I did,
A leaping stab in centerfield,
But I threw it to the wrong cutoff.
“Use your brain!” my dad yelled,
“Both sides of it!”
1B Pop Joy
2B Bill Smiley
SS Jurickson Prozac
3B Chipper Jones
LF Smead Jolley
CF Happy Felsch
RF Jim Gleeson
C Joe Garrulous-giola
LHP Happy Foreman, Drew Smyly, John Smiley, Aaron Laffey
RHP Happy Townsend, Julian Merryweather, Dave Jolly, Buddy Lively
MGR Jolly Cholly Grimm
MLB showcase
low-grade slo-pitch uniforms
sighs of disbelief