O Crap

by Stu Shea

Though their legacy is royal and their ballpark always fine,
It’s been a rocky season for the Baltimore nine.
Their loudest fan passed away, the manager was fired,
And even longtime fans are getting tired.
Drug rumors dog the clubhouse; they lost 30-3;
And they’ve been no-hit by a Red Sox rookie.
One more losing year and small crowds at the park,
This franchise walks, blindfolded, in the dark.
As long as Peter Angelos renews his owner’s plates,
The devastation won’t abate.

Posted 10/4/07 

A-Riddle: Who Am I?

by Hart Seely

In spring I do well,
And in June, I excel,
All summer, my output is keen.
When colder it grows,
My uncertainty shows,
And in autumn, I’m one for fourteen.

In April I soar,
Through July, my friends score,
All summer, I’m high as the sky.
Then comes the post,
When I’m needed the most,
And in autumn, not one RBI.

I rumble through June,
And they pay me the moon,
All summer, my teammates show faith.
Then the leaves start to fall,
And my stick becomes small,
And in autumn, they bat me at eighth.

Taken from Hart’s new book, Mother Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard, from Simon & Schuster.

Buy it now!

Posted 10/3/07.

Mister Cub’s Autograph

by Sid Yiddish

Middle of the eighth,
Dad’s hands are wet, but not from sweat
He’s just returned from the toilet near the souvenir stand in the middle of the inside of Wrigley Field, with a wet scorecard and he says, “Guess who I met in the bathroom, son? Your hero, Ernie Banks!”

Me, eyes wide open, gulping breath and asking, “Really?”

Sure enough, Dad shows me the program with Ernie Bank’s signature, that looks a little like Dad’s own handwriting, but then again as a young boy aged seven-and-a-half in that late summer of 1969 when the Chicago Cubs were in first place, you wouldn’t seem to have cared where it came from, just as long as you could impress your playmates that you lucked out in getting Mister Cub’s autograph and you’d be the envy of every kid on the block.

As the years passed and I grew up, Dad’s story changed again and again; different inning and different Wrigley Field bathroom locale, but always Mister Cub’s autograph was there

Never lie to a child, I’ve heard some say, but my Dad did, so do I blame him that he wanted to please me, after I got crushed in the great onslaught of autograph seekers near the Cubs dugout and came back to the box seats with the saddest of faces?

Yes, I do.

He could have at least stuck to the same story.

Posted 10/1/07. 

Ballpark Food

by Todd Pheifer

What’s wrong with these vendors
Loudly hawking their wares?
An arm and a leg for a beer,
And nobody cares!

Of course I can hold off,
But my kids are entranced
With the cotton candy man
Weaving sugary romance.

He comes down the row,
Waving food at eye level.
Away from us, man!
Your food is the devil!

We’ve brought our own, thanks,
Smuggled in Mom’s big pack,
Peanuts and popcorn
And goodies for snacks.

So enjoy the ballpark
And the shifting strike zone,
But if you want to eat there,
Better take out a loan.

Posted 9/28/07 

Tales of (Trevor) Hoffman

by Stu Shea

Change-up, change-up.
He makes hitters clowns.
It floats to the plate
And it sits right down.

Change-up, change-up.
Off mediocre “heat,”
You feel real comfy,
But still you get beat.

I wonder if Hoffman
Throws change-ups in bed
Or if Mrs. Hoffman
Likes it “dead red.”