Manny Being Gone

by Mark Bazer

The Red Sox traded Manny.
It was the right thing to do.

He may spend hours in the cage
And put up stats to earn his wage,

But he didn’t hustle, he didn’t care.
His main priority was his hair.

The Red Sox traded Manny.
It was the right thing to do.

The Sox have youth, they’ll be OK,
But the same is true of Tampa Bay.

Battling fourth now is Youkilis.
The Sox are officially kook-i-less.

The Red Sox traded Manny,
I may stop caring, too.

Mark Bazer is a humor columnist for Tribune Media Services.  You can find more of his work at markbazer.com.

Posted 9/1/08

Dodger Lament

By Stuart Shea

Being a Dodger used to mean something.
The blue, white and red,
An American team playing the game the right way.

Jackie, Newk, Campy, Junior Gilliam,
Duke Snider and Carl Furillo.
Drysdale and Sandy,
An integrated team in Brooklyn.

When did it start
To fall apart?
When O’Malley ripped out the borough’s heart
And took his business to California,
Greedy and mean,
Displacing locals living in the ravine?

My dad, a Dodgers fan since the 30s,
Watched his team go from Wills, Davis, and Fairly
To Bob Bailor and Jack Fimple–
It was almost that simple.

He swore off the team in 1985
When they brought up some gawky-looking flotsam pitcher named Tom Brennan
Who was just trying to survive.

He raised his leg like a flamingo
And fluttered junk toward the plate.
“That’s not a Dodger,” Dad said,
And he was right. The old team was dead.

There was Gibson’s homer in 1989,
A thrilling victory, a special time,
For a team that wasn’t very good,
But had magic and Orel.

Then Peter O’Malley sold the club to Fox,
Who treated the franchise like a TV show,
Jumping the shark with grumps like Gary Sheffield,
Raul Mondesi, Kevin Brown, Chan Ho Park,
Four managers in five years wandering in the dark
And winning no titles until Frank McCourt bought in.

Now, they’re just another team,
Trading their magic beans
For vets like Nomar, Andruw,
And the worst: Manny Being Manny.

What does it mean to be a Dodger
When a jaker and malcontent
Can wear the same colors as Jackie?
That’s not what his example meant.

Posted 8/27/08 

Gary Sheffield’s Arms Too Short to Box with God

By James Finn Garner

I can be in the outfield and play every day.
I don’t want to DH.
I don’t feel like a baseball player
when I DH.

I don’t know how to be a leader that I am
from the bench.

I can’t be a vocal leader.
I can’t talk to guys from the bench
because
I don’t feel right about it.

A voice whispers, But you agreed to come to the Tigers knowing you would DH.

I

understood that,

but in my mind
I’m not going to
accept that.

That’s my role,
but I don’t have to
accept it
or
like it.

Taken from quotes in a Boston Globe interview, 8/11/08

Posted 8/25/08 

Buy More Bonds

by James Finn Garner

Barry Bonds, Barry Bonds,
Won’t someone please buy Barry Bonds?

The burly man-child at 44
Surely can give something more.

While the Rangers could use his mighty bat,
Texas must have a big enough hat.

In Minnesota he could deliver the goods,
And spend days off prowling the woods.

In New York, the powerful media glare
Would show if there’s any personality there.

Washington would enjoy spinning turnstiles,
And be handy for the start of his perjury trial.

It’s time to move to make the playoffs this year.
Come on! He can give SOMEONE a shot in the rear!

Posted 8/18/08 

Going Out A Winner

by Sid Yiddish
They send me to the showers early
Because I’m not good enough.
Sit me down on the bench and give me a good scolding.
I feel as if my future is folding, but I don’t mind, because I feel as I’ve worked harder at playing the game than anyone who’s ever played in my position.
Still, they tell me it’s not enough.
I still miss fly-balls and occasional grounders, too.
They tell me my throwing arm isn’t what it used to be, when firing from centerfield to tag the runner out at home and it’s not that I’m tired or old or have a reoccurring injury.
It’s just that I’m tired of the abuse that’s heaped on top of me, game after game after game by managers and coaches who read the playbooks all wrong and the owners that only want runs and hits and for the fans to keep on packing the place.
Perhaps this is the last inning for me.
Perhaps it’s time to retire, but it won’t matter.
I’ll still go out a winner.

Posted 7/24/08Â