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Scott Spiezio, Party Animal

by Stu Shea

Spiezio, O Spiezio,
Grungy hard-rock sleazy-o,
Your clean-and-sober act last year
Apparently a tease-e-o.

Driving drunk and skeezy-o?
Defending that‘s not easy-o.
The Cardinals chose to cut you
When their lawyers got all queasy-o.

You should have left the keys-e-o.
It could have been a breeze-e-o.
But justice may command that you
Be put inside the freezy-o.

Posted 4/4/08 

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The Ball-Id Of Felix Pie

by Sid Yiddish

No more sliding into home plate
Or running to the walls just to catch foul balls, for Felix Pie.
He’s gotta be careful, as one testicular torsion, has caused a commotion among the locomotion of the league, makes him out as a patsy, a patsy for jest in Cubs blue-ball proportion, but it’s not like he’s been beaned or tagged out, it’s just that, well…
Being grabbed by the ball is no fun at all,
Even after the pain has subsided.

Posted 4/3/08 

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2008 NATIONAL LEAGUE THREE-LINE PREVIEWS

By Stuart Shea

ATLANTA

Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)

ARIZONA

Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.

CHICAGO

Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).

CINCINNATI

Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.

COLORADO

While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.

FLORIDA

A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.

HOUSTON

They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!

LOS ANGELES

Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.

MILWAUKEE

Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.

NEW YORK

Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.

PHILADELPHIA

Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?

PITTSBURGH

Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.

ST. LOUIS

Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.

SAN DIEGO

An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.

SAN FRANCISCO

So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.

A WASHINGTON HAIKU

Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.

Posted 4/2/08