By Doug White
There once was a pitcher named Snell
Who didn’t throw particularly well.
When he hung a curve too high,
David Ross let it fly,
Then the hurler gave the poor ballpark hell.
Pirates’ Lament
By Stu Shea
The high seas ain’t what they used to be.
We used to have Willie,
And Bobby Clemente,
And Bobby Bo, Andy, Jim Leyland, and Barry.
Now we have Nady,
And Tom Gorzelanny.
Barry Bonds #2
by James Finn Garner
A colossal slugger named Barry
Had an outlook cheerful and merry,
Til you ask if his muscles
Come from workout room hustle,
Then he’ll threaten to rip your arms off and shove them up your ass because you’re always picking on him.
Barry Bonds #1
by James Finn Garner
Barry Bonds put himself to the test,
To beat Babe Ruth’s tally his quest.
To be home run king,
He would try anything.
So what if he grew some huge breasts?
Early Buehrle Hurlyburly
By Stu Shea
While it isn’t the same
As winning a game
From towheaded, cute little leaguers,
To shut down a team
That’s no hitting machine
Remains low on the “difficult” meter.
But no-hit affairs
Are still fairly rare
Particularly in this age
So even the Rangers
Who mostly are strangers
Pose putative threats in the cage.
In Mark Buehrle’s big scene
Back on April 18
At windy, chilly U.S. Cell
He flattened out Texas
Like they were his breakfast
Or apples for William Tell.
Ex-Cubs Sosa, Hairston,
And Lofton had no fun
Against Buehrle’s changing of speeds,
And obscuros like Kata,
Cruz, Laird, and the remainda
Dropped no base hits into the weeds.
So Buehrle was fitter.
He got his no-hitter
The AL’s first since Derek Lowe’s,
Bringing him validation
Across our great nation
In expanded post-game highlight shows.