Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Each June, ball teams celebrate
Their fanbase’s diversity
It’s just marketing, sure,
But also visibility
All teams, that is, save the Rangers
Who’ve never held a Pride night
Dallas likes to keep things orderly,
Straight and oh-so white
I once thought things were big in Texas
That cliche’s an inanity
Big hats, big boots, big tits and hair
But a puny view of humanity.
New York NY, 2019 via MLB.com
“Say it ain’t so,”
a kid once asked Shoeless Joe
the year the White Sox turned to black
The same could be asked
of the current Sox cast
filled with the lame, the halt and hacks
So laughter erupts
when owner Reinsdorf instructs
he’ll move the team south to Tennessee
If a new stadium isn’t built
and financed to the hilt
with Illinois taxpayer’s sucker money
But a record-setting pace
in a season of historic disgrace
makes 120+ defeats a bona fide threat
So Jerry, pack your hitless wonders
and move instead to baseball’s dumpster,
next to the more lovable ‘62 Mets.
Now we’ve missed our chance to know
Of Tucupita Marcano
He wasn’t the next DiMaggio
But not everyone can be a hero
MLB said he’s got to go
For treating his phone like a casino
The bets he made — 400 or so —
Made his sportsbook dime him, bro!
Betting is here to stay, so
Get used to stories like Marcano’s
Owners love nothing but centavos
Ruined lives are the quid pro quo
Harper’s harrumphs are too much for some umps.
Do his protests go over the line?
With one bearded sneer, he plays them for chumps,
’til it’s “Bat down, now go grab some pine!”
Phillies’ Harper Calls Ump Unprofessional After Controversial Ejection
Photo credit: Yahoo Sports
Mets Can’t Wear Alternative Jerseys Because the Pants Haven’t Arrived
As the nation’l pastime seeks expanse
To pull in those who might just glance
And, intrigued, give the game a chance,
Manfred should provide some pants.
Fans in Britain, Spain and France,
With soccer frustrated perchance,
Might get all “Tinker! Evers! Chance!”
But won’t if players have no pants.
College hoops? Yeah, “The Big Dance!”
Skaters ’round Stanley’s cup prance.
Football thrills all uncles and aunts.
Baseball? They ain’t got no pants.
On-field play can be enhanced
And fortunes made through slick finance
But we might have a free “snake dance”
Unless MLB invests in pants.
