Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Permissible or not
There seems to be a drought
Of honesty afoot
Pitching maybe-perjury
Clemens seems for once
To be outta his league
His domineering stance
On the mound not found
Now drugs/performance
An arguance
More finger pointing it seems
As ugly truths are exhumed
“Cheering the Beard” is such a thorny notion
It nearly got Ozzie chucked in the ocean.
Instead he crash-landed in water so hot
‘T’would turn a refugee raft ‘to a teapot.
Down in Miami, fidelity to Fidel
Earns one the stature of Eddie Gaedel.
So Guillen, he of cojones inflated,
Went way overboard and got Castro-ated!*
(* But while landing Hernandezes at the beach
Let’s try not to trample all over free speech.)
Michael X. Ferraro is a TV writer/producer and author of Numbelievable: The Dramatic Stories Behind the Most Memorable Numbers in Sports History and Tased & Amused: The Shocking Poetic Recap of the 2010 Baseball Season.
The Hall of Fame’s honor and riches
Ron Santo deserved without pitches.
. But denied for too long
. Was the man’s well-earned song
By an old bunch of sons of bitches.
.
Ron’s a hero to folks diabetic
‘Cause on the field he was super-kinetic
. Whether diving for balls
. Or arguing calls
Or clicking his heels so aesthetic
Sale: Storied Franchise
By McCourt in divorce court
Call: 1-800-Bailout
How would you like to run the O’s?
Round and neat
A team with such potential
Nearly ready to compete
You can earn a pretty penny
With it like so:
O! O! O!
Would you like to run the O’s?
Feathered and so fleet
Ready to contend in the
Wide-open AL East
It’ll cost you just your job
Ernie: My job?
The Salesman: SHHHHHH!
Ernie: (whispering) My job?
The Salesman: Riiiiiiiight!
So take the job and watch the O’s take flight.
Now listen. When you run the O’s, you won’t be alone. All your decisions as GM will have to pass muster with a bunch of front-office yes men that Peter Angelos refuses to fire. That is, when he’s not meddling directly himself.
And if you get a name past them, he’ll still have to be approved by Buck Showalter in the dugout, who’s as stable as a three-legged dog most of the time.
So you can have a high-profile job with lots of pressure and no power, in the toughest division in baseball, for the most incompetent owner in the game. So tell me….
Would you like to run the O’s?
Take over for Andy McPhail
He couldn’t stand the heat
Now he’s got time to golf and sail
It’ll cost you just your job
Ernie: My job?
The Salesman: SHHHHHH!
Ernie: My job?
The Salesman: Riiiiiiiight!
So run the O’s and change them overnight.
Did we mention our “proud heritage”?
Just run the O’s and change them overnight.
Don’t forget the crab cakes.
So run the O’s and change them overnight.