Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
ATLANTA BRAVES
It’s a New Brave World,
New players, new chief, newspeak,
And an old Chipper.
FLORIDA MARLINS
A Southern poser:
If teams play in the forest
Will anyone care?
NEW YORK METS
Luis Castillo
Will drop pop-ups someplace else
This sunny summer.
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
The best rotation?
Either what the Phillies have
Or the earth itself.
WASHINGTON NATIONALS
Despite higher Werth,
From Ankiel to Zimmerman
They’ll still be boring.
CHICAGO CUBS
Oh, Michael Quade—
Lead us up Mt. Zambrano
But slowly, slowly.
CINCINNATI REDS
Aroldis Chapman
Fast as a spring tornado
Wilder than berries.
HOUSTON ASTROS
Blooms on orange tree:
Figueroa? Barmes? Hall?
’nother sour batch.
MILWAUKEE BREWERS
Are you ribbing me?
Zack out for all of April?
I hate basketball.
PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Youth must have its day.
Better that green kids err than
Jeromy Burnitz.
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
Albert? No Albert?
Rumors expand and contract
About new contracts.
Winter’s been raw as a campout in Banff.
Your new basement walls are moldy and damp.
Your drapes caught fire from a knocked over lamp—
Relax!
Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
Your check-writing hand’s developed a cramp,
Your bills are all due and you ain’t got a stamp,
Creditors cling to your neck like a clamp—
Smile!
Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
Your yard now faces a new freeway ramp.
Your son’s engaged to a gold-digging tramp.
Your “guitar hero” neighbor’s just bought a new amp—
Life is good!
Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
Reposted 2/17/2012
Is the old term “Hot Stove League” archaic,
When hidden cells photovoltaic
Keep our domiciles warm?
Is old Rockwell the Norm?
Baseball fans like to wax nostalgaic.
Bardball will be active again as Opening Day nears. See you then!!
The snowy hair
The doleful stare
The mangled speech
The subtle preach
The dubious start
The gentle heart
The hook that stings
Three Series rings
The postgame pipe
The misplaced hype
Shaggy dog stories
Humble glories
A light gone dark
We’ll miss you, Spark