Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
1B Art Sham-69-sky
2B Ramóns Santiago
SS Dickies Thon
3B Woody English Beat
LF Akil Baddoo Brains
CF Jack Voigt-doids
RF UK Subby Byas
C Art New York Dolls
LHP Mike Minor Threat, Joe Dead Kennedys
RHP X-Ray Specs Roberts, Buzzcocks Capra
MGR Bob Melvins
We salute a skipper named Whitey
Who plugged in Vince and Willie and Ozzie
He saw defense and speed
Were St. Louis’ need
‘Twas Whiteyball made Whitey quite mighty.
“I came here in last place and I leave here in last place. I left them right where I started.” RIP to the White Rat.
As all us plebs pay the tax man,
You owners need to face some facts, man.
In suites with well-heeled sponsors and friends,
You claim your team pays civic dividends
Then you say you need new parks resplendent?
We fans should claim you as a dependent.
Taxes and slush are your basic income,
We ask for returns and you play dumb.
When voters at last come to their senses,
You scream and whine and talk moving expenses.
Pigs at the trough, courting our elected hoes —
Whatever way it’s adjusted is gross.
the ledger of the sport that night
quiet and relentless
innings in other parks decided
three outs somehow made
if action here was lagging,
it was hopping somewhere else
and this wide network was tallied
with metal placards
slotted by men in shirtsleeves, sweating, smoking
Chesterfields and Old Golds
as advertised
and checking their watches
B-U-L-O-V-A
when the out-of-town games ended
east coast, then west coast,
the placards were put away
retiring like the faces of fans heading home
just as we would soon do
under the silent watchful eye of
Mr. Scoreboard
Sportsmen’s Park, St. Louis, July 20, 1951.
1B Todd Gimme Helton
2B Jumpin’ Jack Flash Miller
SS Bo Bitchette
3B Let’s Spend Ray Knight Together
LF She’s like Tim RainesBow
CF As Tears Go Byron Buxton
RF Honus Tonkus Wagner
C Jarrod Saltalamacchia of the Earth
LHP Pat Misch You, Wes Dead Flowers
RHP Waiting on Bob Friend, Ruby Tuesday Tyrees, Tumbling Daisuke Matsuzaka
MGR Paint It, Bud Black
