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Sermon on the First-Place Rays

by James Finn Garner

The first-place Rays?
The Tampa Bay Rays?
Are in first place?
What next? Oy vey!

Will pigs dance plies
As Earth starts to fray?
Or butterflies bray
Like proud dapple grays?
Will roosters now lay
Eggs filled with pate?
Or Felix Pie
Outhit Willie Mays?

Men, count ye the days
Til (the Bible says)
This world is ablaze
in a Doomsday haze!
In previous days
They were Devil Rays.
Deception can pay
In numerous ways.
Oh, kneel down and pray
For a heav’nly stay!
There’ll be hell to pay
For these first-place Rays!

Posted 5/14/08

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The White Sox’ Rubber Soul

by James Finn Garner

You say your batters can’t swing it?
Their whiffing gives you chills?
I got an old-school remedy for
Fixin’ all your ills.

Take all your Louisville Sluggers,
Arrange ’em in a stack,
Then get set for a mighty hoodoo
(There ain’t no turnin’ back).

Now get yourself some love dolls–
You know the kind I mean,
Those cuties made of polymerized
Isobutylene.

Inflate them gals and set them ’round
Your mighty pile of sticks
And pray for their blow-up blessings
And soon you’ll get your licks.

You’ll feel your eyeballs quicken
And your pencil fill with lead,
And by August your White Sox will be
Twenty games ahead.

But don’t blaspheme the rubber gods
Or disrespect their medicine,
Or they’ll do to you just what they did
To Brian Anderson.

Posted 5/12/08 

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Gavin Givin’ His All

by James Finn Garner

The Sox hopes are buoyed
By young Gavin Floyd.
Could this hurler be one for the eras?

If not, then they’re stuck
With Buerhle’s bad luck
And “forever young” Jose Contreras.

Posted 4/29/08 

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Dr. Seuss, Meet Brad Hawpe

by James Finn Garner

It’s fun to watch the pitchers gawp
When Brad Hawpe
Comes up to bat,

‘Cuz, just like that,
With one blow,
A scoreless tie becomes 3-0.

So if you want your fans to yawp!
You need a player like Brad Hawpe.

Posted 4/16/08. 

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Stadium Name Game

By James Finn Garner

What to name dear Wrigley Field
As history to commerce yields?

Should it be named for Ken-L Ration
To halt “dog days” for Cubbie Nation?

As ticket prices cull the rank
And file, maybe Citibank?

As young draft picks all go bust,
“Mr. Clean” might lift the dust.

Pepsi Cola? Dell Computers?
Honda Motors? Air-Wick? Hooters?

The problem’s not to name the place—
It’s how to win a pennant race.

We’ll know the team’s completely dotty
If Sweet Lou’s christened “Lou Malnati.”

Posted 4/14/08