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Nothing to Hide Here

by James Finn Garner

This season’s new sheer slacks
Provide some things the game now lacks

A visible swing, a casual sashay
As sometimes seen in the NBA

New fans may be attracted!
Other players (no names, please) distracted

Gabby coaches will look like fools
When yapping about a player’s tools

And the evidence will add a new wrinkle
To discussion of anyone’s “launch angle.”

 

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Life is Good

by James Finn Garner

Winter’s been raw as a campout in Banff,
Your new basement walls are moldy and damp,
Your curtains caught fire from a knocked-over lamp —
.      Relax!
.      Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.

Your check-writing hand’s developed a cramp,
Your bills are all due and you ain’t got a stamp,
Creditors cling to your neck like a clamp —
.      Smile!
.      Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.

Your yard is now split by a new freeway ramp,
Your son is engaged to a gold-digging tramp,
Your “guitar hero” neighbor’s just bought a new amp —
.      Life is good!
.      Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.

 

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MLB All-Jingle-Bells Team

By Dr. Rajesh C. Oza and James Finn Garner

1B  Josh Bell
2B  Juan Bell
SS  Les Bell
3B  Buddy Bell

LF  George Bell
CF  Cool Papa Bell
RF  Beau Bell

C   Herman Bell, Terry Bell

LHP   Chad Bell, Eric Bell, Fred Bell, Lefty Bell, Ralph Bell
RHP   Bill “Ding Dong” Bell, Cliff Bell, Gary Bell, George Bell, Heath Bell, Hi Bell, Rob Bell, Trevor Bell

MGR   Jayce Tingley

 

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If Game 5 Were Building a House

by James Finn Garner

Zac Gallen was a bureaucrat picking nits,
Denying every hitter a permit.

Eovaldi was a mason on the foundation
That threatened every minute to fall in.

After delays and frustrating slumber
Corey Seager finally brought the lumber.

Semien’s swing closed the door on the thing
And Sborz came on to nail the roof on.

Now old man Bochy can move in his boxes
And make fishing plans with Mike Maddux.