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Kershawmandias

By James Finn Garner

With apologies to Percy Shelley

Reprinted from October 11, 2019.

I met a traveler in La-La Land,
Who said, “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the Ravine . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half a ton of Gator-Ade cups lie,
And blue playoff towels now still,
And B-list actors hoping to flog their dreck
To Smoltz and the odious Buck,
And a mangled manager in a heap;
And on a whiteboard, these words appear:
‘My name is Kershawmandias, Ace of Aces;
Look on my season only, dammit, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the meltdown
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level field stretches far away.”

For the story behind this photo, visit Atlas Obscura.

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The Known Unknowns

by James Finn Garner

I don’t know why I bought the lie
The White Sox would be decent.
I don’t know how hamstrings go pow!
Bats and skills chill, like recent.

I don’t know why Reinsdorf tries
To hire within to change Fate.
I don’t know where Andrew Vaughn stares
While whiffing at the plate.

I don’t know how Robert feels now
And what Keynan and Lance had to say,
But I know one thing: the White Sox would bring
A bigger playoff crowd than Tampa Bay.

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Changing the Guard

by James Finn Garner

With apologies to A.A. Milne

They’re changing the guard in th’ American League East,
The Orioles have risen to most from least.
New York and Boston spitting out dirt,
With the Bosox distinctly butt-hurt
Back East.

They’re changing the guard in th’ American League East,
The Orioles have risen to most from least.
The Devil Rays have earned their wild card
But the Blue Jays find hitting terrible hard!
Back East.

They’re changing the guard in th’ American League East,
The Orioles have risen to most from least.
It’s good to see baseball back in Charm City
But we’ll see if the playoffs are nearly as pretty
Back East.

 

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MLB All-Urban-Contemporary Team

by Jim Siergey and James Finn Garner

1B   Chick “Gangsta” Gandil
2B   Two-Tony Phillips
SS   Jazz Chisholm, Jr.
3B   Herb Souell

LF   John Krunk
CF   Liz Funk
RF   Bomba Rivera

C   Bert Blue

LHP   T.J. House, Hip-Hoppo Vaughn
RHP   Frank Funk, Kyle Funkhouser, Urban Shocker, Burleigh Grimes, Pedro Beato

MGR   Rap Dixon

 

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The Battle of Texas

by James Finn Garner

The Rangers were in danger
Of continuing their slide
Put their boots on ‘gainst Houston
To defend Dallas pride.

Young Josh Sborz lost the first war
While Altuve, Dubon went yard
Then batters were hampered by reliable Framber
Who didn’t make it look so hard.

For the wild card race, they went with an ace
Facing JV — the showdown was set
But ol’ Max Scherzer came out the worser
And they rode off in the sunset.