Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Emannuel Clase
Is certainly not blase
About playing in the All-Star Game
And getting autographs from all the big names.
Juan Soto
Sank all his money in Photo-
Mats. He’d be wiser
To find a new investment adviser.
Corey Seager
Is always eager
To discuss chemtrails.
For clearing a room, it never fails.
Josh Jung
Once stuck his tongue
To a pole in mid-winter
But was in no danger in San Jacinto.
Marcus Stroman
Knows his history, Greek and Roman.
To pass the time on the team bus
He’ll recite passages from “I, Claudius.”
Luis Arraez
Can do that thing with his eyes
Where he looks to the left, then
Moves the left eye alone to the center again.
Brent Rooker
Has nothing against hookers.
Time will tell if he still plays
For the Las Vegas A’s.
Josh Hader
Loves to play Space Invaders,
Galaxian, Centipede, Donkey Kong
And even Pong.
It’s been a rough year for the Pods
Who were meant to be winning, by odds.
While weak has been Bogaerts,
And Machado’s been worse,
Soto’s tapped Tatís in the grods.
Soto did Tatis dirty
(via @ilivedb1tch) pic.twitter.com/Pb0CuSlHba
— Jomboy Media (@JomboyMedia) July 8, 2023
• Don’t talk to a pitcher who’s throwing a no-hitter or perfect game.
• Never slap the ball out of a fielder’s glove or distract him from catching a pop-up.
• Don’t swing at the first pitch if the last two hitters hit home runs.
• Never try to break up a no-hitter by releasing feral pigs onto the field.
• After a home run, a batter should not flip, burn, bury, lick or sing a love song to his bat.
• After making an out to end an inning, the batter should not run over the pitcher’s Mounds bar.
• After hitting a home run, a batter should not drop trou and shit on the pitcher’s mound. The mound is considered the pitcher’s exclusive “territory,” and only he is allowed to shit there.
• A pitcher should not throw at a batter’s children.
• On a 3-0 pitch, a batter should not break out his iPhone to check texts or post on Instagram.
• Infielders should not write love letters in the dirt.
• A catcher should not rip a piece of fabric when a batter swings to make him think he has split his pants.
• When a pitcher has a no-hitter going, everyone in the dugout should use exaggerated mime actions (e.g., pulling an invisible rope) to communicate.
• Whether pets or no, hybrid wolves are not allowed in the bullpen.
• Outfielders are not allowed to use dune buggies to field their positions.
• Batters are not allowed to bunt if they make more than $13 million that season.
• Extension grabbers hidden in outfielders’ gloves are strictly taboo.
• “Cumbly mumbly jumbly fumbly / Gimby gumby foo foo!” (sic)
• First basemen should not discuss existentialism with baserunners.
• Catchers are not allowed to give fake haircuts to batters.
• If a rhinoceros enters the field, play is suspended until the head umpire finishes reading aloud from Ionesco.
Reprinted from the nation’s best humor magazine, The American Bystander, issue #25.
Marcus Stroman
Shows what it means to be human
Donated $$$ for those gay and trans–
In the end, a fan is a fan.
