Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Luis Severino
Certainly had his mojo,
And Kahnle shut the door.
But what are the chances
That Dellin Betances
Gets back to dominance?
Is it mechanical,
Or something that’s mental,
Which has swayed his confidence?
All of a quick-sudden
The heat that he’s servin’
Is looking tenuous, at best.
Or, as one fan did say:
“His pitches may not get over the plate,
But at least he struck out a fence.”
Hard to figure–how Joe Girardi
Suddenly became a headlight-deer,
When he didn’t challenge a call
Last Friday night.
Sure, we saw it all
(Via instant replay’s unerring broadcast)
And it was clear that the ball
Had ricochet’d off the knob
Of a Chisenhall bat
(And, rightly, it shoulda been called
A not-hit-by-pitch foul ball).
Yep, it probably swung the game.
The Yankees went on to blow
Their five-run lead, and the Indians
Won it– 9 to 8. Now it seems
Everyone’s yelling “Off
With his head!” like an angry mob,
But not me. After all, since
2008, the Yankees can boast
The best winning percentage
In all the league–and that’s
All been on Joe Girardi’s watch.
During a game, a commentator —
an ex-ball player — once said:
a manager’s job is hard.
“OK, so you’ve got twenty-five
children in a dugout …
and each one wants to be
treated just so different.
“I mean, it’s hard … I mean,
they all love to play the game,
right? But when you got children,
I mean, grown men who mebbe
“don’t wanna grow up, well,
then the manager’s got to be
part teacher, part mentor …
and also some kind of juggler.
“And all this while skating on thin ice —
dealing with egos and tantrums
and you-name-it?… No, no thank you.
Hey, believe me, I’m glad I got the
“chance to play in big league games —
that’ll never go away — but dealin’
with all that other stuff? No way.”
I watched in disbelief.
I can’t get no relief –
From an umpire whose eyesight
Is worse than a badger’s.
Here quoth the baseball,
Its wings made of leather:
“Balls are strikes and
Strikes are balls. Evermore.”
It was then, in my chair,
That I yawned tired air.
I dropped the remote,
And the room did darken . . .
. And a carny voice did harken:
. “Hur-ray! Hur-ray!
. An instant baseball fan solution –
. Coming soon, to your television.
. “Fans – are you tired of bad calls?
. Does the umpire need a vision check?
. Do you think the strike zone
. Moves around too much?
. “Well then, have no fear –
. The solution, it’s right here.
. It’s called ‘Auto-Strike’ –
. The new e-lec-tronic game in town.
. “So, say goodbye to tradition
. And the curse of bad vision.
. ‘Auto-Strike’ will cure
. Each and every umpire call!”
. (Disclaimer: The Salem’s Lot Nine
. Will now miss its boo-and-hiss time
. And the ever-popular fan favorite –
. Burning umpires at the stake.)
Here quoth the baseball,
Its wings made of leather:
“Balls are strikes and
Strikes are balls. Evermore.”
I shifted in my chair,
Of the game unaware,
And continued my reverie
Of balls, strikes . . . and late-night TV.
. Laughter came from off-screen,
. From an audience of the dream,
. And there was a smirking host
. Who thought he was being clever:
. “Just to be clear . . . the ball is scanned,
. Just like cereal or a country ham
. Off a bar code at a grocery store?
. And what would happen then,
. “If it didn’t correctly scan in?
. This is baseball, not a market,
. And you just can’t call out:
. ‘Hey . . . price check, aisle four.’”
Here quoth the baseball,
Its wings made of leather:
“Balls are strikes and
Strikes are balls. Evermore.”
It was almost 2:00 am when I awoke.
An infomercial was spewing smoke
About saving me time and money . . .
And dreams replacing reality.
. “Yessir, yessir . . . get it now, get it here.
. From those folks who brought you
. ‘The Pocket Baseball’ and ‘One-Pitch Wonder’,
. And the ever-popular ‘One That Got Away’.”
Even as I arose and shook my head
And stumbled off to bed,
The sonorous voice behind me said:
“Balls are strikes and
Strikes are balls. Evermore.”
Noah Syndergaard may not be
Pitching for the Mets just now …
But as a god on “Game of Thrones”,
Thor sure can hurl a spear.
Sadly, however, there is no mound —
Other than one for burial —
On “Game of Thrones”, and
It is known, as well, that dragons
Don’t care much for spears.