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The Game of the Name

by Stu Shea

I.
Gallardo and Bazardo and Pichardo and DiNardo.
Baseball names are the funniest words,
Spoken loudly in public context.
You never know what’s next—
The announcer may yell, “Uggla, deep to left!”
Which only makes sense if you know the game.
What, indeed, is in a name?
Someone named “Pujols” can feel no shame…
In fact, he’s a hero instead of a zero.

II.
Prince Fielder can’t field,
And Lackey won’t yield,
Webb catches hitters, and Young’s getting old,
Holliday’s happy, but the Giants can’t Winn,
Corey’s got Hart and J.J. is Hardy,
Does Ryan need Church to wash away sin?

III.
I-Rod,
A-Rod,
K-Rod.

Posted 4/17/08

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Madonna’s Greatest Baseball Hits

By Stuart Shea

I.
Matt Holliday,
Let’s celebrate.
Matt Holliday,
He can hit so nice.

II.
Borderline,
Looks like he’s going to lose his mind
If Jeff Kent keeps striking out
On balls on the borderline.

III.
Cub fans,
The only ones who understand,
They break our heart but we renew…
‘Cause true blue, baby, we love you.

IV.
Some teams chase me, some teams beg me
I think they’re OK,
But if they don’t give ten-year contracts,
I’ll just walk away

They can beg and they can plead
But they can’t make me sign (they whine)
That GM with cold hard cash
Will always bend his spine, he will because we’re

Living in a material game
And I have a material name
You know that we are living in a material game
And I have a material name.

Posted 4/6/08

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Scott Spiezio, Party Animal

by Stu Shea

Spiezio, O Spiezio,
Grungy hard-rock sleazy-o,
Your clean-and-sober act last year
Apparently a tease-e-o.

Driving drunk and skeezy-o?
Defending that‘s not easy-o.
The Cardinals chose to cut you
When their lawyers got all queasy-o.

You should have left the keys-e-o.
It could have been a breeze-e-o.
But justice may command that you
Be put inside the freezy-o.

Posted 4/4/08 

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2008 NATIONAL LEAGUE THREE-LINE PREVIEWS

By Stuart Shea

ATLANTA

Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)

ARIZONA

Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.

CHICAGO

Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).

CINCINNATI

Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.

COLORADO

While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.

FLORIDA

A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.

HOUSTON

They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!

LOS ANGELES

Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.

MILWAUKEE

Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.

NEW YORK

Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.

PHILADELPHIA

Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?

PITTSBURGH

Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.

ST. LOUIS

Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.

SAN DIEGO

An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.

SAN FRANCISCO

So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.

A WASHINGTON HAIKU

Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.

Posted 4/2/08