Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Sgt. Vladimir is waiting on the bench
To use his bat to dig a six-inch trench
So he can swing at pitches
He otherwise can’t reach
Using bats, or brooms, or switches
Kicking up both dirt and beach.
Sgt. Vladimir is hacking at the ball
And driving that hard sinker to the wall.
He hit it off his shoe tops
And drove in a pair of runs.
He’s more focused than a Cyclops,
And he’s having much more fun.
Biceps like well-tempered iron,
Frightening to see,
Was Ted Kluszewski.
No shirtsleeves wore he,
Did Ted Kluszewski.
And if you asked him why, he’d
Grind you into loose tea.
In his day he was feared,
The toughest man on the Ponderosa.
But today his muscles are matched
By Sammy Sosa
And Mark DeRosa.
Felix is not a cat nor catcher.
He is a very large pitcher.
Batters do not like to face his deliveries.
He will grow very much richer.
I.
Jack Cust
Has become a must!
Beating pitchers into dust.
Jack Cust
Has earned the trust
Of Oakland fans with home-run lust.
Jack Cust
Is free of rust
Despite demotions so unjust.
II.
Billy Beane sussed that Jack Cust
Wouldn’t go bust.
But even he must be nonplussed
By the heroic thrust
Of Jack Cust.
by Stu Shea
Here’s to the men of Milwauk,
Who are making the baseball world talk.
There’s a Hardy man at short and a Gross in reserve,
While the pitching staff’s Sheets are quite billowy.
Bill Hall runs ’em down while Craig will give Counsell
And Prince Fielder’s body is pillowy.
Yes, the Brew Crew is back in Milwauk,
Giving all its opponents a shock.
The rotation has been solid despite their less-known names,
And Francisco Cordero slams doors.
Though the roof of their park still sports a few holes,
The beer is the only thing that pours.
Yes, the Brew Crew is ready to rock,
Now that Bud Selig’s name’s off the block.