Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by Stu Shea
I.
Is there anyone Tiger fans are fonder than
Than Jeremy Bonderman?
Can any Bengal take the ball to left field
Better than Sheffield?
And who’s their best hitter? Everyone says
It’s Mags Ordonez.
Is any pitcher more likely to zoom the ball by ya
Than Joel Zumaya?
II.
But can anyone’s batting average make fans cringe
More than Brandon Inge?
by James Finn Garner and Stu Shea
Bud Selig won’t say if he’ll go
When Bonds has his really big show
And sets the new mark
For hits out of the park,
‘Cuz the commish ain’t a man to eat crow.
by Stu Shea
There once was a guy down the pike
Who was blacker than Andy Van Slyke.
He hits like Babe Ruth,
But to tell you the truth,
There’s little ’bout Barry to like.
by Stu Shea
Throw a Penny at a team,
And count the strikeouts.
Throw a Penny on the hill,
And watch the psych-out.
Other teams with payrolls high
Cannot hit this Dodgers guy
Sometimes talent stands alone!
This penny beats a million bones.
by Stu Shea
So Roger’s coming back at last.
Be still my heart that beats so fast!
Forgive me if I seem to joke
At Clemens’ latest blow of smoke.
The baseball world stands, mouth agape
As Rocket Man adjusts his cape.
Forgive me if this time I sit
And disregard this silly shit.
It’s not as if he’ll join my team,
So why should I, like others, scream,
“Roger’s back! Oh, praise the Lord!”
If my team his paycheck can’t afford?
“He wants a ring! He loves the game!”
The song remains fore’er the same.
“It’s not the money, not the perks,
It’s ’cause he loves his baseball, jerks!”
So Big George forks up mega-mills
For 15 visits to the hill.
(He doesn’t have to hang around
Those days when he’s not on the mound.)
His “veteran leadership” and arm
Calm Torre’s typical alarm.
But is it right to pay and pay
A guy who plays the game this way?
No matter what his season holds,
I’m waiting til next year unfolds,
And he retires, the spoiled dunce,
And keeps a promise just this once.