Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Don’t mean nothin’ how much he stanks–
Ventura’s gonna keep on using John Danks.
Don’t even matter how much he tanks,
Or politely mutters “Please” and “Thanks.”
Far be it from me to pull any ranks,
Or attack the clubhouse with guns and shanks,
Or call the sports talk shows pullin’ pranks,
But they’ve gotta have somebody better than Danks.
Madison Bumgarner doesn’t much care
For hitters who flip their bats into the air.
He’ll rip you a new one, buzz you inside,
Scream at you after retiring the side.
And he doesn’t care if you’re black or you’re white,
Latino or Asian…he’s up for a fight.
I have just one question to ask of you all–
Who appointed him guard of the castle of ball?
What the heck rhymes with Kyle Schwarber?
Well, ’60s jazzer Alan Lorber,
And that dancing Greek named Zorber,
And folk singer Steve Forber(t),
And . . .
And . . .
I’m at the bottom of the pail,
And I don’t want him to fail . . .
But his name is odd, I fear,
So he may not have many poems here.
As we pause before the second half,
It’s good to have a little laugh.
Zunino of Seattle is batting like sh**–
With 100 Ks and just 40 hits.
His OBP is the lowest of all,
At .223, he’s slowed to a crawl.
At least he can catch and hit some home runs,
While Omar Infante just ponders what was.
Nearly an all-star despite his bad year,
Hitting .236; there’s no positives here.
You want some odd stats? Billy Ham’s on a spree–
His 44 steals lead all MLB.
But he’s hitting .220 and does nothing else well,
So his OPS trails the entire NL.
The Brewers would love to trade veteran arms,
But Kyle Loshe and Matt Garza have lost all their charms.
ERA’s over 6 and 5.55,
They won’t fetch a scratched copy of “Stayin’ Alive.”
Some other pitchers whose names we all knew
Were expected to win but just haven’t come through.
C.C. Sabathia has learned how to lose,
Like Kyle Kendrick, Rick Porcello, and even Phil Hughes.
Yes, the second half ought to be fun for us snobs,
But not for the guys who are fighting for jobs.
Never got to see
Parc Jarry.
Ebbets and the Polo Grounds
Remained unfound.
Forbes Field
To me unrevealed.
But I did run with glee
Through old Comiskey
And Tiger Stadium
Was like a palladium
And Milwaukee County
An endless bounty.
Dank, damp, and rusty,
Outmoded and fusty,
But to me much more fun
Than Wrigley, say, has become.