The Final Frames are Finished

by James Finn Garner

The season’s done, the nights grow cold,
The best and worst of us grow old,
The Dodgers exult, the White Sox are hiring,
So let’s salute those players retiring.

Kyle Hendricks, beloved Cub
Now joins Denny’s Breakfast Club.

Joey Votto will still spread joy
Like a precocious, Pepsi-fueled boy.

Andrew McCutchen, with graceful ease,
Can now sleep in whenever he please.

In ’16 Jason Heyward got his ring,
Now he can orate on any old thing.

And old Rich Hill now takes the pill
Solely for his aches and ills.

Thank you, men, for the sounds and sights
That helped us pass our summer nights.
When the Hot Stove League convenes with friends,
We can say we saw you when.

 

Ex-Cubs Doom Yankees

by James Finn Garner

As savvy statheads will avow,
To one certainty we all must bow:
No team can pocket World Series bank
With 3 or more ex-Cubs in its ranks.

It’s analytics, not cant or mystery,
Proven throughout baseball history.
The prudent Dodgers, reviewing facts,
In August Jason Heyward axed.

Making a close Series even tighter,
The Yankees will field Mark Leiter,
Rizzo, Stroman and LeMahieu–
A daring display of bad juju.

With four ex-Cubbies on their squad,
Gotham thumbs its nose at the baseball gods.
Such hubris likely will not stand.
The crown will return to La-La Land.

For more on this baseball rule, which has proven correct in 1979 and 1981, check out this article by the writer who coined the phrase, Ron Berler.

Wouldn’t Bet Against It

by James Finn Garner

With betting cash flooding in streams,
Could baseball Charlie Hustle redeem?
Likewise Shoeless Joe?
Tucupita Marcano?
The “good of the game” can play odds, it would seem.