Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
With apologies to Ogden Nash’s “The Rhinoceros”
The rhino is a homely beast.
Our Ryno was a home run beast.
For human eyes he’s not a feast.
For Cubbie fans he was a feast.
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros.
Hello, hello, you stalwart Ryne Sandberg-us.
I’ll stare at something less prepoceros.
I’ll admire your likeness as a bronze iceberg-us.
Welcome to the HOF pantheon outside of Wrigley.
Along with Ernie, Billy, Ronnie, Harry, and Fergie.
He played in just 69 games,
Of obscurity he was a paragon
But he had one of my favorite names:
Rest in peace, Cuno Barragan.
June 20, 1932 — May 12, 2024
(He DID hit a home run in his first major league at-bat.)
A foul tip off the bat of Cub Happ
Made a trip into Iván Herrera’s lap
He wasn’t maimed
Even finished the game
Though later his pips were bubble wrapped.
Originally appeared in The Chicago Baseball Magazine.
Inning 1: Zero hits off pitching phenom Paul Skenes;
Three Cubs go down swinging.
Inning 2: Praise the name pronounced Skeenz;
Three more Ks: Ka-ching, Ka-ching, Ka-chinging.
Inning 3: He throws the ball 100 miles per hour;
“Only” one strikeout, but Cubs still have no hits.
Inning 4: From where does the kid get that power?
Two more strikeouts; batters flailing like twits.
Inning 5: Pitch after pitch, Skenes dominates;
A walk spoils his bid for perfection.
Inning 6: Comparisons whispered about all-time greats;
Quick-hook manager says, “You’re done, son.”
Innings 7, 8 and 9: Wrigley Field turns bitter;
Pirates fans grumble, “Coulda been a no-hitter!”
