The Race for Second Place

by James Finn Garner

The Central race is shaping up, but nobody had reckoned
The Brewers, Cubs and Redbirds in a three-way race for second.
The pitching ranks as adequate, if no one pulls up lame.
The hitting has shown promise and can sometimes win a game.

But the bullpens can’t be trusted, and defensive play is worse.
It’s hard to jump a bandwagon that looks just like a hearse.
Come on, guys, we know you dream of golf and going fishin’.
But the rules are clear–they state SOMEONE must win the division.

Posted 9/13/07 

Please Stop Believing

by Tom Latourette and Marty Gangler

(Our apologies to Steve Perry and Journey)

(To hear a recording of this, go to The Beechwood Reporter.)

Just a baseball club, known as the Chicago Cubs,
They haven’t won anything since 1908.
It’s like their fate is sealed, playing there in Wrigley Field.
Fans pray and wait in vain since 1908.

Ivy growing on the outfield walls,
Fans pee in horse troughs, they’ve got no stalls,
“Eamus Catuli,” it says there in right,
The years go on and on and on and on…

Cub fans drinking, all around the Friendly Confines,
Yuppies stumbling in the night,
Bleachers, hot chicks living for inebriation,
Showing great sets of ta-taaaas…

Lou’s kicking dirt all over the place, Zambrano’s punching Barrett’s face,
Hendry paid millions for this year’s team – results will be the same.
For a few short days, they’re in first,
But don’t you know these Cubs are cursed?
Wait till next year never ends,
It goes on and on and on and on…

D-Lee, fighting, couldn’t land his girly punches,
Don’t give Ryan Dempster the ball,
Right quad, Soriano – our heartbreak just around the corner,
Santo still waits for the halllllll…

Please stop believin’
And wake up from your dreaming,
Lovable losers,
They’re the Cubs!

Please stop believin’
For 100 seasons,
“It’s gonna happen”? Who you crapping?
They’re the Cubs!

Posted 9/9/07

Swing Low, Sweet Theriot

by Anonymous

Swing low, sweet Theriot,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

I looked ’round Wrigley and what did I see,
Comin’ through to carry me home!
A line of Cubbies hittin’ after me,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

Swing low, sweet Theriot
Comin’ through to carry me home!

If you get knocked in before I do,
Comin’ through to carry me home!
Jes’ tell Sweet Lou that I’m-a comin’ too,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

Swing low, sweet Theriot,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

I’m sometimes hot and sometimes not,
Comin’ through to carry me home!
But still my bat gives all I got,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

Posted 9/5/2007 

Soriano Nails the Runner at the Plate

by H.H. Schnepper

These are the saddest of possible words:

Soriano nails the runner at the plate.

His arm is so strong many coaches guessed wrong.

Soriano nails the runner at the plate.

So beware, the fleet footed, and heed the stop sign.

Soriano nails the runner at the plate.

Advance if you must but beware of the dust.

Soriano nails the runner at the plate.

Posted 8/30/07

The 100-Year Dream (Cubs)

by Tim McClure

100 will soon be here,
‘08 to ‘08 we do fear,

A ‘45 goat or ‘69 cat,
Durham’s glove or a fan’s catch,

Bone the curse, don’t wait for next year!

Some say with a goat we were cursed,
Some say it’s an error at first,

Black cats with the Mets,
Or Bartman’s bad catch–

I fear the Cubs are the worst.

The series I wish they could win,
For naught now it seems like a sin,

They’ve tried for so long,
It’s the same old song,

Who’ll ever see it, my kin?

They’ve won! I can’t believe it!
In the ninth with a home run hit!

We’ve waited so long,
The field is a throng,

I just woke up… Oh S**t!

The Red Sox did it four years ago,
The White Sox were next in line to glow,

We thought we were next,
Our muscles were flexed,

But our Cubs missed their turn in the show.

There’s a dream that’s been dreamt for awhile,
That we’d smoke the Cardinals with style.

We’d tromp ’em real good,
Like we know we should.

This Cub’s dream isn’t wicked nor vile.

There was an old team called the Cubs,
Who for years have looked just like subs.

They’ve tried to get better,
But have seemed in fetters,

‘Cause the curse has left all those flubs.

Posted 7/30/07