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NL Central 2011 Haiku Predictions

By Stuart Shea

CHICAGO CUBS
Oh, Michael Quade—
Lead us up Mt. Zambrano
But slowly, slowly.

CINCINNATI REDS
Aroldis Chapman
Fast as a spring tornado
Wilder than berries.

HOUSTON ASTROS
Blooms on orange tree:
Figueroa? Barmes? Hall?
’nother sour batch.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS
Are you ribbing me?
Zack out for all of April?
I hate basketball.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Youth must have its day.
Better that green kids err than
Jeromy Burnitz.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
Albert? No Albert?
Rumors expand and contract
About new contracts.

 

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Spring Injury Report, 2011

by James Finn Garner

Zach Grienke’s arm is hinky.
Jake Peavy’s feeling skeevy.
Adam Wainwright’s wing ain’t right.
Rich Harden’s asked for pardon.
Brad Lidge is off a smidge.
That goes ditto for Johnny Cueto.

And an inflamed elbow is causing
Pain for Jason Isringhausen.

Thank God for March,
So these great apes
Have one less month
To fall out of shape.

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Sparky Anderson

by James Finn Garner

The snowy hair
The doleful stare
The mangled speech
The subtle preach
The dubious start
The gentle heart
The hook that stings
Three Series rings
The postgame pipe
The misplaced hype
Shaggy dog stories
Humble glories
A light gone dark
We’ll miss you, Spark

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The Ballad of Roy Halladay

by James Finn Garner

Oh what a day
For Roy Halladay!
Just one pitch away
From perfect play!

He left the Reds
Shaking their heads,
Like walking dead,
longing for bed.

And Carlos Ruiz
From his knees,
If you please,
Tossed the last out 2-3.

Painting corners four
Like Benjamin Moore (TM),
Doc slammed the door
On the Redleg corps.

What might come next
Is anyone’s guess.
Doc seems untaxed–
Are THREE no-nos too much to ask?

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A Clinchmas Story

by Zach Gifford

Twas the night that we clinched, and all through the house
not a creature was stirring (’cept Hunter Pence, that louse).
All the kids and the grownups at GABP
were waiting to see what the inning would be.

When up to the plate strode the mighty Jay Bruce.
And right in that moment, my mind saw the news.
The ’Stros brought a lefty, but Jay Bruce just smirked,
Stepped in to the box, and he went straight to work.

He swung the bat hard, so fast and so quick
That I knew in a moment in the stands it would stick.
He raised both his arms and he ran with a smile,
And Joy rose in Cincy that had been gone for a while.

Marty was happy, and so was son Thom.
Even Jim Day and Pic were enjoying that bomb!
The fireworks, how bright! The crowd, O how merry!
For such a great season, an appropriate cherry.

So thanks Aaron and Bronson, Brandon and Scott.
Thanks Orlando and Joey, the whole stinking lot!
And I heard them exclaim as they rode out of sight:
“Merry Clinchmas to all, and to all a Reds’ night!”