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NL Central 2011 Haiku Predictions

By Stuart Shea

CHICAGO CUBS
Oh, Michael Quade—
Lead us up Mt. Zambrano
But slowly, slowly.

CINCINNATI REDS
Aroldis Chapman
Fast as a spring tornado
Wilder than berries.

HOUSTON ASTROS
Blooms on orange tree:
Figueroa? Barmes? Hall?
’nother sour batch.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS
Are you ribbing me?
Zack out for all of April?
I hate basketball.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Youth must have its day.
Better that green kids err than
Jeromy Burnitz.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
Albert? No Albert?
Rumors expand and contract
About new contracts.

 

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Spring Injury Report, 2011

by James Finn Garner

Zach Grienke’s arm is hinky.
Jake Peavy’s feeling skeevy.
Adam Wainwright’s wing ain’t right.
Rich Harden’s asked for pardon.
Brad Lidge is off a smidge.
That goes ditto for Johnny Cueto.

And an inflamed elbow is causing
Pain for Jason Isringhausen.

Thank God for March,
So these great apes
Have one less month
To fall out of shape.

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Six Hundred Saves

by Doug Fahrendorff

It took longer than expected
Not surprising
Most things worthwhile do
April and May
Blown saves
No longer
The bellwether of the bullpen
Closer role lost
No excuses offered
Baseball a performance-driven job
He says
Finally against the Cardinals
A groundball to short
Secures save number six hundred
Fans and teammates ecstatic
Proof good guys really can finish first
Let’s hear “Hells Bells”one more time
Thanks, Trevor

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The Legacy of Bud Selig

by James Finn Garner

Tons of money for the owners.
Ignorance of player-dopers.

More exploitative contract bids
For dirt-poor Caribbean kids.

A baseball classic for the world
Where U.S. players rarely hurled.

With anti-trust still holding fast,
Small-market teams still finish last.

Now, Milwaukee celebrates this schwanz
With a Selig statue cast in bronze.

Posted 8/30/10

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Summer Solace

by Doug Fahrendorff

Not much has gone right
For the Brewers this year.
Contenders? Surely you jest!

The hitting and pitching
Have both been erratic,
The fielding far from the best.

Doug Melvin insists
He’s done what he can
To build a contending team

But fans shake their heads.
A division crown
Seems like an impossible dream.

Still all is not lost.
Despite the record,
Things aren’t entirely black.

We may not be winning
But fans can rejoice:
At least Bob Uecker is back!