The Race for Second Place

by James Finn Garner

The Central race is shaping up, but nobody had reckoned
The Brewers, Cubs and Redbirds in a three-way race for second.
The pitching ranks as adequate, if no one pulls up lame.
The hitting has shown promise and can sometimes win a game.

But the bullpens can’t be trusted, and defensive play is worse.
It’s hard to jump a bandwagon that looks just like a hearse.
Come on, guys, we know you dream of golf and going fishin’.
But the rules are clear–they state SOMEONE must win the division.

Posted 9/13/07 

Standing Oh

by Sandy Marshall

A handspring
A handspring
A double backflip,
That’s Ozzie Smith for ya,
Now watch the hits rip!

St. Louis
St. Louis
A loyal shortstop,
That’s Ozzie Smith for ya,
He’ll land at the top!

Our favorite
Our favorite
Our regular guy,
That’s Ozzie Smith for ya,
Monsieur RBI!

A triple
A triple
A rock & roll riff,
That’s Ozzie Smith for ya,
He’ll steal in a jif!

Posted 9/12/07 

Please Stop Believing

by Tom Latourette and Marty Gangler

(Our apologies to Steve Perry and Journey)

(To hear a recording of this, go to The Beechwood Reporter.)

Just a baseball club, known as the Chicago Cubs,
They haven’t won anything since 1908.
It’s like their fate is sealed, playing there in Wrigley Field.
Fans pray and wait in vain since 1908.

Ivy growing on the outfield walls,
Fans pee in horse troughs, they’ve got no stalls,
“Eamus Catuli,” it says there in right,
The years go on and on and on and on…

Cub fans drinking, all around the Friendly Confines,
Yuppies stumbling in the night,
Bleachers, hot chicks living for inebriation,
Showing great sets of ta-taaaas…

Lou’s kicking dirt all over the place, Zambrano’s punching Barrett’s face,
Hendry paid millions for this year’s team – results will be the same.
For a few short days, they’re in first,
But don’t you know these Cubs are cursed?
Wait till next year never ends,
It goes on and on and on and on…

D-Lee, fighting, couldn’t land his girly punches,
Don’t give Ryan Dempster the ball,
Right quad, Soriano – our heartbreak just around the corner,
Santo still waits for the halllllll…

Please stop believin’
And wake up from your dreaming,
Lovable losers,
They’re the Cubs!

Please stop believin’
For 100 seasons,
“It’s gonna happen”? Who you crapping?
They’re the Cubs!

Posted 9/9/07

Medium Rare with a Side of Potatoes

by Sandy Marshall

The Coleman Stove can cook,
Grill,
And hit home runs.

The Coleman Stove is weather resistant,
Made of stainless steel,
And steals bases time and again.

Fueled by gas
and
Electricity
and
Gates Barbecue Sauce.

The Coleman Stove:
Lifetime warranty…
To kick ass.

Posted 9/7/2007 

Swing Low, Sweet Theriot

by Anonymous

Swing low, sweet Theriot,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

I looked ’round Wrigley and what did I see,
Comin’ through to carry me home!
A line of Cubbies hittin’ after me,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

Swing low, sweet Theriot
Comin’ through to carry me home!

If you get knocked in before I do,
Comin’ through to carry me home!
Jes’ tell Sweet Lou that I’m-a comin’ too,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

Swing low, sweet Theriot,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

I’m sometimes hot and sometimes not,
Comin’ through to carry me home!
But still my bat gives all I got,
Comin’ through to carry me home!

Posted 9/5/2007