Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
The forsaken Bucs
Have had terrible luck
Disheartening both youngsters and codgers
But that luck turns around–
Can this elixir be found?–
Whenever they fight ‘gainst the Dodgers.
Their recent campaigns
Have shamed the Spanish Main
Their treasure chest has been sore empty
But bring in Turner and Betts
And this sulphurous squad gets
Like Pops and Parker and Clemente.
Taking a page
from Dan Quisenberry,
The sidearm delivery of Scott Effross
is becoming legendary.
Changing mechanics at 25,
lowering the release point to the belt,
Gave this Hoosier grad new life
causing his ERA to quickly melt.
He wears a Star-of-David necklace
and his 4-seamer is despised,
Now it’s opposing batter’s lumber
that’s getting circumcised.
He’s the stopper who won’t fumble,
exclaimed Cubs’ skipper Grandpa Ross,
Leaving flummoxed foes to grumble
“That effin’ Effross!”
The fans in Cincinnati
Have been driven somewhat batty
By a ball club bound for doom.
Then hurlers Greene and Warren
Achieved a feat so rare and foreign
Finally cutting through the gloom.
Holding Pirate batters hitless
For eight innings, said one witness,
Appeared to seal a Redlegs win
But in a twist of fate so wicked
A fielder’s choice was committed
And they lost a no-hit gem.
I’m proud of my major-league career,
though some will denigrate it
because I pitched through the war
I’m proud of resurrecting the eephus pitch
(I thought I had invented it,
but I understand historians have found
someone who threw it before I was born)
But what I’m most proud of is my part
in the defeat of Murphy’s Guild in ’46:
I spoke out against the strike,
and the proposed union went down to defeat
Dusty Baker notched his 2000th win
With a toothpick lodged into his grin
No World Series ring?
That don’t mean a thing
His record requires no spin.
Photo by David J. Phillips/Associated Press