Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Corbin Burnes
Knows his gulls from his terns
In the role of a birder
He’s absolute murder.
Sterling Marté
Sure loves to par-tay.
Whiskey, tequila, rum–
Whatever you got, he’ll have some.
Alek Manoah
Has never been to Samoa
But he knows the nightlife is da bomb
In Guam.
Pete Alonso
Has tattoos of Gonzo,
Miss Piggy, Scooter, Fozzie and where space permits,
Kermit.
Byron Buxton
Through his awesome powers of deduction
Has determined the murderer of Lord McBroom
Is someone in this room!
Luis Arraez
Is not one to compromise.
If it’s not Johnnie Walker Black,
He sends it back.
Joe Musgrove
Is an ace with the cookstove.
He takes sausage and flapjacks
To the max.
Miguel Cabrera
Is the finest hitter of his era
And a real joy to watch play —
I have nothing snarky to say.
Ian Happ
Prefers to use maps
Thinks GPS
Is tracked by the Feds.
Shohei Ohtani
Likes his kosher salami.
In fact, he thinks nothing beats
Encased meats.
Emmanuel Clasé
Will the batters assay
Then still launch a 101-MPH pitch
Bitch.
Jazz Chisholm
Thinks all our actions are a prism
Through which we disperse the One True Universal Light–
All right, man, all right….
I watched Ernie Banks from the bleachers;
Those ’50s teams weren’t the best teachers,
But Ernie came through
With good cheer: “Let’s play two!”
Present stewardship? Crass overreachers.
Originally published in The Chicago Baseball Magazine.