Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
I’m proud of my major-league career,
though some will denigrate it
because I pitched through the war
I’m proud of resurrecting the eephus pitch
(I thought I had invented it,
but I understand historians have found
someone who threw it before I was born)
But what I’m most proud of is my part
in the defeat of Murphy’s Guild in ’46:
I spoke out against the strike,
and the proposed union went down to defeat
Dusty Baker notched his 2000th win
With a toothpick lodged into his grin
No World Series ring?
That don’t mean a thing
His record requires no spin.
Photo by David J. Phillips/Associated Press
To distract from news of variations
And COVID viral mutations
And that “It’s everywhere!” sensation–
I’ll give baseball one more try.
To soothe the mind with pointless stats
Like zodiacal-themed at-bats
And if Lance Lynn’s allergic to cats–
I’ll give baseball one more try.
Ignoring the obscene cost of tickets
And the politics of Ricketts
And the siren call of following cricket–
I’ll give baseball one more try.
If I can score a bit of Zen
So to pick up the fight again
I’ll give the donut race a loud “Amen!”–
I’ll give baseball one more try.
You know why someone gets the nickname Gabby
And you can probably guess why someone
gets the nickname Old Tomato Face
(hint: Chicago during Prohibition, and after)
I know injuries are a part of the game,
but we would have won back-to-back Series
if I had been healthy in ’29
and Hornsby had been healthy in ’30
You know I was behind the plate
when Ruth allegedly called his shot;
he pointed to our bench with two fingers
(both teams had really been riding each other),
saying that was only two strikes, he had one left
You know about the famous homer in ’38,
but you may not know I got called on the carpet
for having my picture taken with Al Capone
after I had given him an autograph
What was I supposed to do, refuse his request?
Cubs owners are right-wing and rotten
Their millions, no doubt, are ill-gotten
Once I cheered for their team
Now they’ve ruined the dream
Though the thrills of the past ain’t forgotten.