Miller Huggins

by Joseph Ceraolo

Professor Taft was correct to advise me
to choose baseball as my career:
I spent the rest of my life in the game
as a player, player-manager, and manager,
and had success in all three positions
I only wish that Lady Bee had followed through
on allowing me first chance to buy the Cardinals,
instead of selling it to a cast of thousands of locals
(I was a silent partner in a minor-league team later,
but that’s not comparable to owning a big-league team)
While every position in baseball is stressful,
I think that being an owner would have been less so
than being a manager and dealing with the Babe and others
(the Babe did come around eventually,
to the extent possible for him)
One final note:
I understand Mr. Mays professes not to know
why I hated him, almost alone among all my players
You know I was a lawyer,
so I’m not about to make any allegations
that certainly can’t be proved at this late date,
and maybe couldn’t have been proved even back then
Suffice it say
Mr. Mays knows full well the reason for my feelings,
and he knows he will one day have to answer for what he did

 

Holo Cow!

By James Finn Garner

Sung to the tune of “Centerfold” by the J. Geils Band

Stumblin’ down on Rush Street, walkin’ pub to pub
Harry Caray was the idol of every Bleacher Bum
Started in St. Louis, but seduced the owner’s wife
Then Chisox, then the Cubbies — a checkered, blesséd life

Then MLB tries some tricks
During the “Field of Dreams”
And ghostly Harry resurrects
To gasps and chokes and screams….

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

He’s leading the seventh inning stretch, the weak of heart begin to retch
Beer gut missing around his middle, where’s the liver spots, sweat and spittle?
There’s no way to digitize a glorious mess like Harry
Please find some breathing pitchman and let the dead stay buried.

He’s been dead since ’98,
But you could never tell
Thanks, computer science,
But he never looked THIS well…

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

Na na na-na-na-na
Na-na-na nanna na na-na
Na na na-na-na-na
Na-na-na nanna na na-na…

 

Pennant Stretch Brewer Haiku

by The Brewer Haiku-er (@brew_haiku on Twitter)

150. Cardinals 5, Brewers 2
Red Birds best the Crew
3 hits just won’t get it done
Against this hot club.

 151. Cardinals 2, Brewers 1
Woodford v. Woodruff
Both pitchers strong out of gate
Cardinal is stronger.

Crew close but still lose
Can’t slow the Red Birds down much
As they win 10th straight.

152. Cardinals 10, Brewers 2
So Jace on the mound
And Omar playing second?
This cannot be good…

It’s unfortunate
Timing to take a nosedive
Now comes the hard part.

 

New Name in the Cards

by James Finn Garner

When your team’s offense ain’t up to par
And sluggishness has gone too far
Tell Triple A you need your new star

.           Lars Nootbaar!

Rejuvenating like a new cute car
Or Celia Cruz shouting “Azucar!”
To batting woes, say au revoir

.          Here’s Lars Nootbaar!

His range is measured by hectare
Strokes his bat like a steel guitar
(Hope he lasts longer than a shooting star)

.            Go, Lars Nootbaar!

 

Advice about Bob Gibson

by Henry Aaron

Don’t dig in against Bob Gibson, he’ll knock you down.
He’d knock down his own grandmother if she dared to challenge him.
Don’t stare at him, don’t smile at him, don’t talk to him.
He doesn’t like it.

If you happen to hit a home run,
don’t run too slow,
don’t run too fast.
If you happen to want to celebrate,
get in the tunnel first.
And if he hits you, don’t charge the mound,
because he’s a Gold Glove boxer.

I’m like, damn, what about my seventeen-game hitting streak?
That was the night it ended.