by Stephen Jones
Your Honor,
I am here on behalf of citizenry
Who often see baseball chicanery
When it comes to the unwritten rules:
‘Tis better to plunk a batter right off,
Rather than let him show his stuff
And hit for the grandstand aisles.
“The Chipper Jones Song”
by Jason Johnson
All-Star Clerihews 3: Rhyme Free or Die Hard
Freddie Freeman
Plays “Mario Kart” like a demon
But goes down in flames
In single-shooter games.
Scooter Gennett
Prefers natural rennet,
If you please,
When he makes his off-season cheese.
Buster Posey
Thinks everything’s rosy
In the City by the Bay,
But he doesn’t read the paper every day.
Luis Severino
Pitches like a vintage Ford Torino,
Which means in between starts,
It’s hard to find replacement parts.
All-Star Clerihews 2: Clerihewer
Javier Baez,
Everyone says,
Is El Mago
de Chicago.
Jose Altuve
Likes his granola bars chewy
But has no affection
For other confections.
Nick Markakis
Started a fracas
When he suggested Atlanta might try to reach
And name a street for something other than a peach.
Christian Yelich
Would like to squelich
Any rumors that he
Doesn’t like playing in Milwaukee.
Say Goodbye to These Retirees
by James Finn Garner
As the leaves turn from green to brown
And we rekindle antipathy for Joe Buck
Let’s recall players whose careers are done
And their stories of drive and hope and luck.
Jered Weaver, strikeout ace,
Can now just putter around his place.
Atlanta’s Frenchy, Jeff Francouer
Will now as a TV color man tour.
SF fans can thank Matt Cain
For embiggening the Jints again.
Likewise, Ryan Vogelsong
Can practice bird calls all day long.
Joe Nathan will have to find his thrill
Somewhere other than the bullpen hill.
And Nick Swisher, quintessential bro,
Will just leave a trail of grit where’er he goes.
To these and all other retirees
Thank you for the thrilling years.
Now, with us, relax near the TV,
Watch some playoff ball and enjoy some beers.