Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Javier Baez,
Everyone says,
Is El Mago
de Chicago.
Jose Altuve
Likes his granola bars chewy
But has no affection
For other confections.
Nick Markakis
Started a fracas
When he suggested Atlanta might try to reach
And name a street for something other than a peach.
Christian Yelich
Would like to squelich
Any rumors that he
Doesn’t like playing in Milwaukee.
As the leaves turn from green to brown
And we rekindle antipathy for Joe Buck
Let’s recall players whose careers are done
And their stories of drive and hope and luck.
Jered Weaver, strikeout ace,
Can now just putter around his place.
Atlanta’s Frenchy, Jeff Francouer
Will now as a TV color man tour.
SF fans can thank Matt Cain
For embiggening the Jints again.
Likewise, Ryan Vogelsong
Can practice bird calls all day long.
Joe Nathan will have to find his thrill
Somewhere other than the bullpen hill.
And Nick Swisher, quintessential bro,
Will just leave a trail of grit where’er he goes.
To these and all other retirees
Thank you for the thrilling years.
Now, with us, relax near the TV,
Watch some playoff ball and enjoy some beers.
Did Vida Blue
ever pitch to
Dick Brown?
Did Bill White
ever fight
with Bud Black?
Was Dallas Green
ever mean
to Tyler Houston?
Did Mike Trout
ever dine out
with Tim Salmon?
Did Martinez, Carmelo
ever have Mark Lemongello
for dessert?
Joey Votto
Never gets blotto
But does enjoy the occasional beer
With that crazy Molina, Yadier.
Ender Inciarte
Prefers Commedia dell’arte
And Restoration plays
To the pap on B’way these days.
Nolan Arenado
Boasts much bravado
But jumps high as a glider
When surprised by a spider.
Nelson Cruz
Hates to lose,
Which makes his time in Seattle
More of a battle.
Jose Quintana
Can drive up the Dan Ryan-a
Take the Drive over
And finally pitch in October.
Edwin Jackson
Might have some action
Left in his fastball, batters fear,
‘Cuz Baltimore signed him
His “best” years behind him
His 12th team in 14 years.
Buck, it’s a mirage–
He can’t hit a garage,
Throws as straight as a cluster of starlings.
Looks like Duquette’s
Willing to forget
His results with the Cubs and the Marlins.
And the Tigers.
And the Padres.
And the Braves.
And the White Sox.
And the Dodgers.
And probably the Pilots.