Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Marcus Stroman
Knows his history, Greek and Roman.
To pass the time on the team bus
He’ll recite passages from “I, Claudius.”
Luis Arraez
Can do that thing with his eyes
Where he looks to the left, then
Moves the left eye alone to the center again.
Brent Rooker
Has nothing against hookers.
Time will tell if he still plays
For the Las Vegas A’s.
Josh Hader
Loves to play Space Invaders,
Galaxian, Centipede, Donkey Kong
And even Pong.
Fourth in history:
Three five-hit games in a month.
Luis Arráez!
“Welcome to Miami”
As Will Smith sings
Or sung, in 1997
Back when Ken Griffey Jr. was the best
But now it’s you, Luis
And while you are not Judge
At the plate, you judge better than any other.
You slap the ball around like King Richard, like the Prince of Bel-Air at the Oscars.
Welcome to Miami.
All rise for Arráez.
And Mr. López. Oh, Pablo?
You best be a Picasso on that mound
‘Cause honey, the Twins just parted ways with a diva.
Minnie, she just took a gamble on your fire.
So bring it, Señor López
Paint me a Picasso, Pablo.
And make it prettier than Portrait of Dora Maar
Make it prettier than a nice shiny batting average.
Make some art, Pablo.
Paint me a World Championship.
James Callan grew up in Minneapolis. He lives on the Kāpiti Coast, New Zealand and is more than likely the biggest Twins baseball fan in the country. He lives on a small farm with his wife Rachel and his little boy Finn.
Ian Happ
Prefers to use maps
Thinks GPS
Is tracked by the Feds.
Shohei Ohtani
Likes his kosher salami.
In fact, he thinks nothing beats
Encased meats.
Emmanuel Clasé
Will the batters assay
Then still launch a 101-MPH pitch
Bitch.
Jazz Chisholm
Thinks all our actions are a prism
Through which we disperse the One True Universal Light–
All right, man, all right….
