Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
All of the Phils and Marlins hurlers
Could have worn Dock Ellis’ curlers
In this game because not one batted
And thus were not protective(ly) hatted.
Marlins’ Mattingly Calls for September Roster Reform After Bizarre Record Set
This week Jake Arietta
Tells the Phils to play betta
Quit studying metrics
(Of which he’s a skeptic)
Stop handing out gifts
With defensive shifts
And please show some spark
When he returns to Addison and Clark.
As the leaves turn from green to brown
And we rekindle antipathy for Joe Buck
Let’s recall players whose careers are done
And their stories of drive and hope and luck.
Jered Weaver, strikeout ace,
Can now just putter around his place.
Atlanta’s Frenchy, Jeff Francouer
Will now as a TV color man tour.
SF fans can thank Matt Cain
For embiggening the Jints again.
Likewise, Ryan Vogelsong
Can practice bird calls all day long.
Joe Nathan will have to find his thrill
Somewhere other than the bullpen hill.
And Nick Swisher, quintessential bro,
Will just leave a trail of grit where’er he goes.
To these and all other retirees
Thank you for the thrilling years.
Now, with us, relax near the TV,
Watch some playoff ball and enjoy some beers.
O, how I wish Destiny put
As catcher, one day, Barry Foote
While on the mound lands
The hurler Bill Hands
I’d pay an arm and a leg to see that
The bullpen is aptly in place
With perfectly named Elroy Face
As one last zinger
We add Rollie Fingers
With Heinie Manush up to bat
As he comes to the plate, there’s a buzz,
The one man with the name to give pause,
Each syllable clear-
Ly a body part dear:
Here comes man-of-parts Tony Armas!
Rhys Hoskins has given us hope.
A Phils fan’s no longer a dope.
The more he goes yard,
The kid’s rookie card
Feels like it’s blessed by the Pope.