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Applause, Please, for the Retirees

by James Finn Garner

As the season ends and the playoffs loom,
Let us pause a sec and make some room
In our doggerel feed for those athletes
Who’re hanging up mitts and jocks and cleats.

The Jints will miss ol’ Hunter Pence
Of flaming beard and glare intense.

After so many seasons, Bartolo Colon
Will finally get to shower alone.

Minnesotans, pray to your higher power
For another guy even close to Mauer.

Now David Wright, Mets’ grand old man,
Will have to watch them choke from the stands.

With the Angels’ collapse, Mike Scioscia
Might do well inspecting for OSHA.

Chase Utley being out of the game
Frees me from trying to rhyme his name.

And with no regrets, let’s bid adieu
And good riddance to Chief Wahoo.

 

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Homecoming for Arietta

by James Finn Garner

This week Jake Arietta
Tells the Phils to play betta
Quit studying metrics
(Of which he’s a skeptic)
Stop handing out gifts
With defensive shifts
And please show some spark
When he returns to Addison and Clark.

 

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Say Goodbye to These Retirees

by James Finn Garner

As the leaves turn from green to brown
And we rekindle antipathy for Joe Buck
Let’s recall players whose careers are done
And their stories of drive and hope and luck.

Jered Weaver, strikeout ace,
Can now just putter around his place.

Atlanta’s Frenchy, Jeff Francouer
Will now as a TV color man tour.

SF fans can thank Matt Cain
For embiggening the Jints again.

Likewise, Ryan Vogelsong
Can practice bird calls all day long.

Joe Nathan will have to find his thrill
Somewhere other than the bullpen hill.

And Nick Swisher, quintessential bro,
Will just leave a trail of grit where’er he goes.

To these and all other retirees
Thank you for the thrilling years.
Now, with us, relax near the TV,
Watch some playoff ball and enjoy some beers.

 

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I Am Some Body!

by Jim Siergey

O, how I wish Destiny put
As catcher, one day, Barry Foote
While on the mound lands
The hurler Bill Hands
I’d pay an arm and a leg to see that

The bullpen is aptly in place
With perfectly named Elroy Face
As one last zinger
We add Rollie Fingers
With Heinie Manush up to bat

As he comes to the plate, there’s a buzz,
The one man with the name to give pause,
Each syllable clear-
Ly a body part dear:
Here comes man-of-parts Tony Armas!