Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
DIAMONDBACKS
Some cacti have more range
Than Conor Jackson in left.
But he can hit some.
.
DODGERS
Poor Jamie McCourt.
All that cash for the players
Where’s her unfair share?
.
GIANTS
A skinny pitcher,
Throwing nothing but BBs
This is his springtime.
.
PADRES
Trade Adrian G?
Better to cut crocuses
Before they blossom.
.
ROCKIES
A sore-armed closer
A thin middle relief corps…
A Street of bad dreams.
Posted 3/30/2010
By Stuart Shea
Rocks usually roll downhill.
These Rockies aren’t just landfill.
Left for dead in early May,
They’re in the playoff hunt today.
Playing halfway up the sky,
The Rockies feel a mile high.
The Cards may be their October foe,
Which ought to make a lovely show.
They’ll face a guy they used to pay–
That hitting star, Matt Holliday.
With Denver smog vs. St. Louis heat,
The Coors and Bud should flow quite sweet.
.
Posted 9/22/2009
by James Finn Garner
.
Scottie Pods, Scottie Pods,
What were the chances?
Oh, what were the odds?
Cut by the Rockies because you’re too old–
Your step getting heavy, your bat growing cold–
The Pale Hose invite you back into the fold
And you climb your way back like the grinder of old.
Fans love a player still hungry and bold
Who refuses to note for whom the bell’s tolled.
In the hot summer night, the scoreboard explodes
As you dig hard to mine one more season of gold.
Scottie Pods, Scottie Pods,
What were the chances?
Oh, what were the odds?
.
Posted 8/6/2009
By Stuart Shea
DODGERS
What causes shadows
Gath’ring over Dodgertown?
Oh. It’s Manny’s hair.
DIAMONDBACKS
Risky tightrope walk—
Using Felipe Lopez
As a regular.
GIANTS
If it rained all year
S.F. would avoid losing
100 ballgames.
PADRES
No big stars, no hope
Dark days ahead for the fans
Despite bright Cali skies.
ROCKIES
Jeff Francis’ arm
Wilted like Boston lettuce
Left out far too long.
Posted 3/25/09
By Stuart Shea
Chocolate-dipped in a stale sugar cone,
The Rockies emit a miserable moan.
Last year the Series a reachable goal,
This year, last place and 12 games in the hole.
Their bats are as flabby as Jell-O congealed,
With pitching you’d find on a Little League field.
Where’s Tulo? He’s hurt, batting .152,
And Brad Hawpe’s bat has a case of the flu,
The offense an orange without any juice–
In a ballpark like Coors, there’s just no excuse.
Their 2007 pitchers a challenging foe,
But two thousand eight is a sick horror show.
Ubaldo Jimenez is just 1 and 6,
Jeff Francis ain’t fooling no one with his tricks.
Kip Wells, Micah Bowie, and–ugh–Glendon Rusch
Just prove that this pitching staff hasn’t got much.
What’s in a year? What will the team do?
I’m sure they’ll get better–in a season or two.
Posted 6/7/08Â