Kershawmandias

By James Finn Garner

With apologies to Percy Shelley

Reprinted from October 11, 2019.

I met a traveler in La-La Land,
Who said, “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the Ravine . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half a ton of Gator-Ade cups lie,
And blue playoff towels now still,
And B-list actors hoping to flog their dreck
To Smoltz and the odious Buck,
And a mangled manager in a heap;
And on a whiteboard, these words appear:
‘My name is Kershawmandias, Ace of Aces;
Look on my season only, dammit, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the meltdown
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level field stretches far away.”

For the story behind this photo, visit Atlas Obscura.

End of Season at the MLB Tavern

by Stephen Jones

I was waiting at the bar for a playoff date
And looked at my watch. It’s getting late.
Then I heard the emphatic bartender,
With his fist pump, mask, and chest protector,
Announce to the lingering, glassy patrons:
“It’s last call. Closing time,” he intones
As he wipes the bar, satisfied with himself,
And begins putting teams on the postseason shelf —
Brands like Atlanta, Los Angeles, Baltimore, Tampa
(and just maybe Seattle, Chicago, or Philadelphia) —
And as he does, he continues to drone:
“It’s hotel-motel time if you can’t go home,
But right now, you can’t stay here —
And hey, better luck when we open next year.”

Pictured is Baseball Bill Holdforth, bartender and rabid DC baseball fan. For the story of how he worked to keep owner Bob Short out of the US Senate, check out this story from washingtonbaseballhistory.com.

Gut Check Time

by Greg Simetz

Fans remember well
Thompson’s ‘Shot Heard ‘Round the World’
Giants fans cheered
Dodgers fans hurled

But a new shot was heard
at Guaranteed Rate
causing Sox fans to scatter
after only Beer Number Eight

A smuggled gun went undected
In belly fat it was tucked
And when the lard pulled the trigger
even LaRussa woke up

One person was wounded
another was grazed
but the White Sox kept playing
losers still but unfazed

Then peace was restored
when cops ID’d the plump chick
and in court she was sentenced
to life on Ozempic.

They Mighty Be Giants

by Paul Kocak

Who did they think they were
Traipsing through here
Laying waste
Smashing baseballs
Shutting us out
And sending us home

Home to wallow
Home to pine
Lick our wounds
Bow out heads

But before we left
They handed us brooms
Detritus and debris
To sweep and to clear
Memory to erase
Shame to shun

They mighty be Giants
We defeated be Dodgers