Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Smashing Adams
and Climbing Stairs
Unwelcome Matts,
true Blue Despair
_______________
In 2008, portly Phillies pinch-hitter Matt Stairs clubbed a two-run homer in Game 4 of the NLCS against the Dodgers reliever Jonathan Broxton, en route to a Philadelphia series victory. Last night, the hefty Cardinals first baseman Matt Adams launched a three-run shot in Game 4 of the NLDS to send the Dodgers down to defeat once again.
These are the saddest of possible words:
Jeter, Konerko and Dunn.
Trio of dear ones to all baseball nerds,
Jeter, Konerko and Dunn.
Clean-cutly playing our National Game,
Each one achieving attention and fame —
Long we’ll remember each one of their names:
Jeter, Konerko and Dunn.
Helping keep South Side baseball alive
Manning the rudder in 2005
Plus a grand salami that wasn’t no jive
More than mere baseball, he’s
Our Paulie
Hard to see him as a Dodger or Red
No froth of praise ever clouded his head
Didn’t spout any line and meant what he said
More than mere baseball, he’s
Our Paulie
To the up-and-comers a mentor and sensei
His swing and his fielding held nothing fancy
For all of this century, the right side wasn’t chancy
More than mere baseball, he’s
Our Paulie
Jints fans cheered first game, won nine to none,
“Sweep next two, leapfrog Bums, they is done!”
.    But next 19 runs said,
.    “Jints blanked leapfrog is dead,
Doubt Kershaw will lose final one.”
Since one hobbled hero punched out the sky
The falls have been dull, or worse yet, just shy.
For 25 years, no Dodger champagne–
The 90s and Aughts both circled the drain.
This once-storied franchise seemed out of sorts,
Under FOX ownership, then… the McCourts.
“O’Malley, where art thou?,” wailed the true Blue,
until, just like Magic, that gang was through.
Now Gonzo is clearing ducks off the pond,
Dee Gordon stole second (while you just yawned).
That Jansen is lights out, Puig’s got a gun
and Kemp, once again, is hitting a ton.
Greinke rings ’em up, Ryu mows’em down,
and Uribe’s got the best hands in town.
BUT Hanley is gimpy. The bullpen’s thin.
Call a search party, where’s Ethier been?
Can Mattingly manage in the big games,
Or will one more yearbook go up in flames?
The catchers both bat with petrified wood,
Yet Kershaw is crazy, Koufaxy good.
For two point five decades they’ve come up short.
That is the maddening part of this sport.
A bad hop here, or a fluke double there,
can transform confetti into despair.
The stage is now set at Chavez Ravine,
for a typically late Hollywood scene.
Way up in his booth, Vin’s riding catbird
in hopes that the crowd will have the last word.
Michael X. Ferraro’s debut novel, a pro football satire called Circus Catch, will be available on Amazon and elsewhere in October.