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Buy More Bonds

by James Finn Garner

Barry Bonds, Barry Bonds,
Won’t someone please buy Barry Bonds?

The burly man-child at 44
Surely can give something more.

While the Rangers could use his mighty bat,
Texas must have a big enough hat.

In Minnesota he could deliver the goods,
And spend days off prowling the woods.

In New York, the powerful media glare
Would show if there’s any personality there.

Washington would enjoy spinning turnstiles,
And be handy for the start of his perjury trial.

It’s time to move to make the playoffs this year.
Come on! He can give SOMEONE a shot in the rear!

Posted 8/18/08 

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Rocky Road–My Favorite!

By Stuart Shea

Chocolate-dipped in a stale sugar cone,
The Rockies emit a miserable moan.

Last year the Series a reachable goal,
This year, last place and 12 games in the hole.

Their bats are as flabby as Jell-O congealed,
With pitching you’d find on a Little League field.

Where’s Tulo? He’s hurt, batting .152,
And Brad Hawpe’s bat has a case of the flu,

The offense an orange without any juice–
In a ballpark like Coors, there’s just no excuse.
Their 2007 pitchers a challenging foe,
But two thousand eight is a sick horror show.

Ubaldo Jimenez is just 1 and 6,
Jeff Francis ain’t fooling no one with his tricks.

Kip Wells, Micah Bowie, and–ugh–Glendon Rusch
Just prove that this pitching staff hasn’t got much.

What’s in a year? What will the team do?
I’m sure they’ll get better–in a season or two.

Posted 6/7/08 

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Baked Zito

By Stuart Shea

Zito, Zito,
His arm is meat-o.
He goes down
To weekly defeat-o.
His salary is
Really neat-o.
Unless you’re the Giants who may have to eat-o
His contract if he can’t find some team in the National League, or even anywhere at any level of organized baseball, that he can beat-o.

Posted 6/5/08

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Giant Devotion, 1908

by Rollin Lynde Hartt

Lives there a man with soul so dead
But he unto himself has said,
“My grandmother shall die today,
And I’ll go see the Giants play”?

Taken from Crazy ’08 by Cait Murphy.