Instant Replay Creates Perfect World

By James Finn Garner

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Now that cameras can detect and correct
Our errors and human frailty,
I call for a replay of

Fidrych talking to the ball,
Reggie hitting in October,
Bob Gibson staring,
Koufax stretching,
Veeck laughing,

DiMaggio’s war years,
And Hank Greenberg’s,

And 1994, which could have saved the Expos,
And spared us the Nationals,

And Cap Anson shutting his damned mouth
And Buck O’Neil playing for the Cubs,
Satchel Paige for the A’s,
And Cool Papa Bell for the Cardinals.

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Posted 5/14/09

Manny Ramirez: When News Isn’t News

by James Finn Garner

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Erstwhile Dodger savior Manny:
Did we doubt it’d come out like this?
If a story leaked you were a tranny,
The world would maybe feel amiss.

Our revulsion might yet arise
If cameras caught you fondling grannies,
But frankly it’s no big surprise
That juicing’s Manny being Manny.

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Posted 5/11/09

Remembering Piazza

by Lew Brickhate
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I went down to CHAVEZ RAVINE
With sandpaper and VASELINE.

You see, my goal that NIGHT
Was to strike out Magic MIKE,

Catcher for the Dodger BLUE,
Part of the LaSorda CREW.

He granted me my one big WISH,
Which was to throw a major league PITCH,

But he hit it all NIGHT,
He hit it all NIGHT,
Off the walls, off the LIGHTS,

Fastball, spitball, knuckleball, CURVE,
Seems I got what I DESERVE.

He cracked a line drive back up the MIDDLE,
Solving for me my greatest RIDDLE:

Was I cut out for major league BALL,
Or just to sing about it at some MALL?

The question was all too CLEAR.
I am still glad I have my PAIR,

‘Cause he hit it all NIGHT,
He hit it all NIGHT…..

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Posted 5/5/09

National League West 2009 Haiku Forecasts

By Stuart Shea

DODGERS
What causes shadows
Gath’ring over Dodgertown?
Oh. It’s Manny’s hair.

DIAMONDBACKS
Risky tightrope walk—
Using Felipe Lopez
As a regular.

GIANTS
If it rained all year
S.F. would avoid losing
100 ballgames.

PADRES
No big stars, no hope
Dark days ahead for the fans
Despite bright Cali skies.

ROCKIES
Jeff Francis’ arm
Wilted like Boston lettuce
Left out far too long.

Posted 3/25/09

Dreadlocks in the Wind

by JHB

Goodbye, Manuel Aristides,
At times we all were far too cruel,
But you had the grace to point both hands
While smilin’ like a fool.
They disparaged you in the Herald,
Made innuendoes in the Globe.
They chased you all around the Hub,
Caught in flashbulbs like a strobe.

And it seems to me you lived your life
With your dreadlocks in the wind,
Steppin’ quickly in the Monster
Just to take a whiz,
And you would have been our hero,
But you were just a kid.
Your time here ran out long before
Your legend ever did.

Manny being Manny’s tough,
The toughest role you ever played,
But your bat made you a superstar,
And pain’s the price you paid.
Even when you left,
The press still had too much to say.
All that Boston.com would comment
Was that Manny didn’t want the trade.

And it seems to me you lived your life
With your dreadlocks in the wind,
Catchin’ flies and givin’ high-fives
Before you’d throw it in,
And you would have been our hero,
But you were just a kid,
Your time here ran out long before
Your legend ever did.

Goodbye, Manuel Aristides,
Though I never knew you at all,
You had the feel to play left field,
Fielding caroms off the Wall.
Goodbye, Manuel Aristides,
From the young boy in a Monster Seat,
Who saw you as something not so infantile,
Maybe what he would like to be,

And it seems to me you lived your life
With your dreadlocks in the wind,
If the role was just too much to bear,
It’s not as if you sinned,
And you would have been our hero,
But you were just a kid,
Your time here ran out long before,
Your legend ever did.

  Posted 9/10/08