The Russians should have invaded when they had the chance….
Rocky Road–My Favorite!
By Stuart Shea
Chocolate-dipped in a stale sugar cone,
The Rockies emit a miserable moan.
Last year the Series a reachable goal,
This year, last place and 12 games in the hole.
Their bats are as flabby as Jell-O congealed,
With pitching you’d find on a Little League field.
Where’s Tulo? He’s hurt, batting .152,
And Brad Hawpe’s bat has a case of the flu,
The offense an orange without any juice–
In a ballpark like Coors, there’s just no excuse.
Their 2007 pitchers a challenging foe,
But two thousand eight is a sick horror show.
Ubaldo Jimenez is just 1 and 6,
Jeff Francis ain’t fooling no one with his tricks.
Kip Wells, Micah Bowie, and–ugh–Glendon Rusch
Just prove that this pitching staff hasn’t got much.
What’s in a year? What will the team do?
I’m sure they’ll get better–in a season or two.
Posted 6/7/08Â
Baked Zito
By Stuart Shea
Zito, Zito,
His arm is meat-o.
He goes down
To weekly defeat-o.
His salary is
Really neat-o.
Unless you’re the Giants who may have to eat-o
His contract if he can’t find some team in the National League, or even anywhere at any level of organized baseball, that he can beat-o.
Posted 6/5/08
Giant Devotion, 1908
by Rollin Lynde Hartt
Lives there a man with soul so dead
But he unto himself has said,
“My grandmother shall die today,
And I’ll go see the Giants play”?
Taken from Crazy ’08 by Cait Murphy.
What Would Barry Do?
By Lou Carlozo
Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball god!
Thanks to thy steroid brew.
So brothers, sisters, ask yourselves:
What Would Barry Do?
If asked to take the role of Scrooge
From off the dusty shelf,
Quoth Barry, “Let’s rewrite the script.
Tiny Tim can screw himself.”
If we elect Bonds president,
No press conference, woo hoo!
Just bats for the reporters heads–
Now that takes balls to do!
Should Bonds become a doctor?
Surely he deserves a shot,
And so would all his patients:
“Get the steroids while they’re hot!”
Now Barry’s with Paul Simon,
Off to write a song or two.
“Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
I wanna beat the shit outta you.”
So sing no song of Ernie Banks,
Al Kaline or Rod Carew–
They hold no light to Barry Bonds
(Not that they’d’ve wanted to).
‘Tis better to remain a class act
On the field, and off it too,
Or break a record honestly,
Something Barry cannot do.
Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball chump!
Your case stinks like a zoo.
We’ll change your name to “Bail” Bonds
When the charges stick to you.
Lou Carlozo is a Chicago Tribune staff writer and producer of the syndicated radio baseball talk show “Diamond Gems,” hosted by George Castle and Les Grobstein. He also produced “We’re Not Gonna Change It,” the song that won the Chicago-Sun Times’ contest imploring Sam Zell not to rename Wrigley Field. Hear the song at myspace.com/loucarlozo.
Posted 4/24/08Â