by James Finn Garner
It’s fun to watch the pitchers gawp
When Brad Hawpe
Comes up to bat,
‘Cuz, just like that,
With one blow,
A scoreless tie becomes 3-0.
So if you want your fans to yawp!
You need a player like Brad Hawpe.
Posted 4/16/08.
Madonna’s Greatest Baseball Hits
By Stuart Shea
I.
Matt Holliday,
Let’s celebrate.
Matt Holliday,
He can hit so nice.
II.
Borderline,
Looks like he’s going to lose his mind
If Jeff Kent keeps striking out
On balls on the borderline.
III.
Cub fans,
The only ones who understand,
They break our heart but we renew…
‘Cause true blue, baby, we love you.
IV.
Some teams chase me, some teams beg me
I think they’re OK,
But if they don’t give ten-year contracts,
I’ll just walk away
They can beg and they can plead
But they can’t make me sign (they whine)
That GM with cold hard cash
Will always bend his spine, he will because we’re
Living in a material game
And I have a material name
You know that we are living in a material game
And I have a material name.
Posted 4/6/08
2008 NATIONAL LEAGUE THREE-LINE PREVIEWS
By Stuart Shea
ATLANTA
Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)
ARIZONA
Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.
CHICAGO
Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).
CINCINNATI
Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.
COLORADO
While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.
FLORIDA
A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.
HOUSTON
They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!
LOS ANGELES
Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.
MILWAUKEE
Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.
NEW YORK
Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.
PHILADELPHIA
Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?
PITTSBURGH
Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.
ST. LOUIS
Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.
SAN DIEGO
An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.
SAN FRANCISCO
So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.
A WASHINGTON HAIKU
Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.
Posted 4/2/08
All Right, a Few More Limericks to Pile on Barry
The Barry Bonds Limerick Trilogy: “Three Strikes and Yer Out!”
by Lou Carlozo
Canto One:
Farewell, Barry Bonds, Mr. Droider!
With a noggin as big as a goiter.
Can you take 30 years
Worth of jailbird jeers
In the prison yard parks where you’ll loiter?
Canto Two:
How many home runs could I pump
If I took 90 shots to my rump?
73 in a season?
It must stand to reason
Ask Barry–that Balco-ball chump.
Canto Three:
If Barry partook of the ‘droids,
It’s a cinch his career is destroyed.
Needles stuck in his ass,
Now he’s in a morass–
Strike three, ’cause the Feds are annoyed.
.
The Ho of Fame
by James Finn Garner
If Barry needed any incitement
To confess, now here’s his indictment.
Else, to prison he’ll go
To be someone’s ho,
Where anal rape’s the daily excitement.
.
Back in the News
By Doug White
Barry Bonds is back in the news
On CNN, Fox and even “The View”.
Though reporters have hedged
And say “it’s alleged”,
Everyone knows this time he’s through.
Jeff Kent, Courageous Dodger
by Stu Shea
“It’s hard to influence a big group. We’ve got some good kids on the team. Don’t get me wrong, please don’t misinterpret my impressions. [But] it’s hard to translate experience. I don’t know why they don’t get it.
“It’s close to the end of the season. And a career for me, too. I’m running out of time. A lot of kids in here, they don’t understand that…and it’s hard to get them to understand that because they’ve haven’t been there. So there lies some frustration.”
–Jeff Kent, 9/21/07
Jeff Kent, second base for the Dodgers,
Is defending his fellow old codgers.
Says the kids don’t play right—
Most are black, and he’s white.
Got that? Roger. Kent’s a mean-spirited, selfish racist who just wants to get his name in the papers and doesn’t care about the mess he leaves behind, especially if it makes him look good and other people look bad.
Posted 10/18/07