by Rollin Lynde Hartt
Lives there a man with soul so dead
But he unto himself has said,
“My grandmother shall die today,
And I’ll go see the Giants play”?
Taken from Crazy ’08 by Cait Murphy.
What Would Barry Do?
By Lou Carlozo
Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball god!
Thanks to thy steroid brew.
So brothers, sisters, ask yourselves:
What Would Barry Do?
If asked to take the role of Scrooge
From off the dusty shelf,
Quoth Barry, “Let’s rewrite the script.
Tiny Tim can screw himself.”
If we elect Bonds president,
No press conference, woo hoo!
Just bats for the reporters heads–
Now that takes balls to do!
Should Bonds become a doctor?
Surely he deserves a shot,
And so would all his patients:
“Get the steroids while they’re hot!”
Now Barry’s with Paul Simon,
Off to write a song or two.
“Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
I wanna beat the shit outta you.”
So sing no song of Ernie Banks,
Al Kaline or Rod Carew–
They hold no light to Barry Bonds
(Not that they’d’ve wanted to).
‘Tis better to remain a class act
On the field, and off it too,
Or break a record honestly,
Something Barry cannot do.
Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball chump!
Your case stinks like a zoo.
We’ll change your name to “Bail” Bonds
When the charges stick to you.
Lou Carlozo is a Chicago Tribune staff writer and producer of the syndicated radio baseball talk show “Diamond Gems,” hosted by George Castle and Les Grobstein. He also produced “We’re Not Gonna Change It,” the song that won the Chicago-Sun Times’ contest imploring Sam Zell not to rename Wrigley Field. Hear the song at myspace.com/loucarlozo.
Posted 4/24/08
Dr. Seuss, Meet Brad Hawpe
by James Finn Garner
It’s fun to watch the pitchers gawp
When Brad Hawpe
Comes up to bat,
‘Cuz, just like that,
With one blow,
A scoreless tie becomes 3-0.
So if you want your fans to yawp!
You need a player like Brad Hawpe.
Posted 4/16/08.
Madonna’s Greatest Baseball Hits
By Stuart Shea
I.
Matt Holliday,
Let’s celebrate.
Matt Holliday,
He can hit so nice.
II.
Borderline,
Looks like he’s going to lose his mind
If Jeff Kent keeps striking out
On balls on the borderline.
III.
Cub fans,
The only ones who understand,
They break our heart but we renew…
‘Cause true blue, baby, we love you.
IV.
Some teams chase me, some teams beg me
I think they’re OK,
But if they don’t give ten-year contracts,
I’ll just walk away
They can beg and they can plead
But they can’t make me sign (they whine)
That GM with cold hard cash
Will always bend his spine, he will because we’re
Living in a material game
And I have a material name
You know that we are living in a material game
And I have a material name.
Posted 4/6/08
2008 NATIONAL LEAGUE THREE-LINE PREVIEWS
By Stuart Shea
ATLANTA
Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)
ARIZONA
Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.
CHICAGO
Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).
CINCINNATI
Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.
COLORADO
While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.
FLORIDA
A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.
HOUSTON
They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!
LOS ANGELES
Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.
MILWAUKEE
Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.
NEW YORK
Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.
PHILADELPHIA
Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?
PITTSBURGH
Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.
ST. LOUIS
Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.
SAN DIEGO
An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.
SAN FRANCISCO
So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.
A WASHINGTON HAIKU
Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.
Posted 4/2/08