Bonds of Irony

by Stu Shea

 

Whitey Ford and Willie Mays,

Lew Burdette and Elroy Face,

Bunning, Stargell, Wynn, and Rose,

Gaylord Perry, goodness knows!

Famous players, heroes all,

Most of them are in the Hall.

Where’s the “throw the bums out” call

Since they used speed, or scuffed the ball?

***

When Barry Bonds breaks Aaron’s mark,

Skeletons will fill the park.

Bud will lie to us again

About how much he knew, and when.

Fans will throw their hands up high

And try to find a reason why

They ought to go to baseball games

And see stars besmirch their own names.

Barry Bonds #2

by James Finn Garner

A colossal slugger named Barry
Had an outlook cheerful and merry,

Til you ask if his muscles
Come from workout room hustle,

Then he’ll threaten to rip your arms off and shove them up your ass because you’re always picking on him.

Barry Bonds #1

by James Finn Garner

Barry Bonds put himself to the test,
To beat Babe Ruth’s tally his quest.

To be home run king,
He would try anything.

So what if he grew some huge breasts?